The Kline Times

Six Years of Thank You's.

2011-08-29T19:06:00.000-06:00

It doesn't begin to seem possible that six years of my life has passed since that awful Monday. I can't even believe that I can function as a person in this world that Charlie is not a part of any more. I love that our bodies have a system to process such news, because if we didn't, not to mention My Creator, I would have withered up and died (not physically, but mentally and emotionally.) It's so easy for me to look back and remember the horrible times, where I thought that God was absent, that He didn't save Charlie (because He could have), that He didn't save Andy (but that's for a another blog), that life was hard and I couldn't see past the day in front of me to know what my future would even be like.

To be honest I don't remember a lot of things surrounding the first few months of my Charlie's death, but I do remember this......my friends, family and people I didn't even know or had ever met doing what they didn't know how to do (but we learned together!) praying for me, grieving with me the loss of my beloved Charlie. I remember the gifts, flowers, food, and new friendships. I remember how blessed I was to have these beautiful girlfriends with me (who happened to all be home at the same time that I needed them) I remember God's perfection, the situation was anything but perfection but if it were to happen to me, I had the best of everything surrounding me at a time where, in all reality, I thought my life was over. I remember being able to cry easily.....now it's not enough and harder. I remember the sadness of my parents and Andy, never getting to know Charlie more. I remember the look in my mom's eyes when she figured out that she was powerless to kiss and heal the boo-boo that "life" brought to me. I remember the quiver in Andy's voice when he couldn't protect me, as a brother should(although I'm so overjoyed that Andy was the last person, besides me to see Charlie alive before he left-what a very special trip that was.) I remember the overflow of people in the church, crying, speaking words, remembering their Hero. I remember leaving my home at Fort Carson, without Charlie. I remember meeting my first & forever "W" friend Milly. I remember the feeling of saying that "w" word in public. And recently, I remembered that I'm not the only one that lost a Hero that day......a wife lost her husband, a mother and father lost their son, 2 brothers lost their brother, a niece lost her Uncle and a community of friends, college buddies, ROTC cadets and family lost a Hero, a friend. I remember that I'm not the only one grieving. I remember that I'm not the only one remembering Charlie, and that makes me grateful. That his life, although brief on this earth was full. Full of laughter and fun. Of faith and joy. Of love and dreams. Oh, and we had many dreams. And I remember that I was the lucky one who caught his eye to share it.

So, thank you.....six years of thank you's to all of you for showing me God's love in the midst of the chaos of uncertainty. You all were there....pulling for me, wanting the best for me, pushing me, silently praying for me and crying with me. For these things, I am forever grateful. I am blessed. Maybe not in the way that one might think of being blessed, but I am, none the less. I will never "get over" this catastrophic loss but I have learned to maintain my life with a scar that will never go away.

Thank you, Jesus, my Savior. Thank you, my friends. I'm indebted to both for all my life.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:11-13

Blessings

2011-07-25T19:51:00.000-06:00

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace. Comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our sufferings.

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way to much to give us lesser things....."

Almost 10 months ago, this beautiful baby girl came into our lives on a date that was hard for my family & given a name after her Uncle. It amazes me that out of something so tragic that Christ can create new life. Life should carry on, even when we find it hard or don't want it to. The above song, "Blessings" was sang yesterday at Andie's baptism. I was unaware that this song was going to be sung, but found it very perfect for the occasion. This song has been in my head the past couple of months, thinking about Andy & what we (my parent's, myself and Shannon) are feeling and going through. I felt like a part of Andy was indeed there, as this was another first for our family~a celebration of welcoming our daughter into the body of Christ without Andy & remembering Ethan's baptism, when Andy was there & alive and well. It was a good day. Thank you, Father for granting us the privilege of being Andie and Ethan's parents.

Sweet, sweet child of mine.

My mom baptized Andie. She did a remarkable job. As usual.

Ethan remembering his baptism.

My mom is just awesome. I love that she cries when something touches her heart.

The dress that Andie is wearing was mine, made by my Mom.

My 1st Father-in-law, Charlie was there to celebrate with us. It was a joy to have him there-the kids love their Grandpa Rubado. He looks so happy.....it must be those 3 granddaughters of his.

Giving her some puffs to make her not so crabby!

Our family.

Maw-Maw & Paw Daddy (names given by Ethan, of course!)

Three generations.

Great to celebrate Andie with great friends.

Sweet, Andie Girl. You make my heart skip a beat.

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe....."

My Heritage.

2010-09-27T20:35:00.000-06:00

Before I write some thoughts I have down, I want to apologize for not writing in almost two months. It's a shame, really-because I do have time but have no motivation and I know once this Baby Girl comes I will have less time, so I will most definitely try (even if it's a few lines or just photos!) to update you on what's going on with the Kline's!

Ok. Here it goes. I've kept lots of things inside of me for the past, almost 10 months. A lot has happened in the last 10 months, mostly awful, but a few joyous. This week should be a very exciting and happy week~the week that my daughter is to be born (if she isn't stubborn like her brother =) And really, I'm not as excited as I should be and that hurts my heart. For one, Jeremiah won't be here for the birth, which is ok because he will get to spend all 14 days with all of us at Christmas, he almost missed Ethan's birth and I will be able to look presentable to my husband-and ladies we all know what I mean, right?! But that really isn't the big issue. The big issue is that as we will be welcoming a new member into our family, we also lost a member of our family 10 months ago, who should be here, rejoicing with us over this new arrival. My Daughter will never know her amazing Uncle, who would have been (and I know that he knows!) so excited to know that he was getting a niece. I've realized for the past few weeks that I haven't even begun to grieve for Andy, in any shape or form. I've cried, heard songs on KLOVE that remind me of him and have cried over those, and yes it helps, but I haven't seen a counselor or actually talked through my feelings of loss for my little brother. I told my Mom the other night that, "I don't have the time to grieve for him yet." I guess I feel like I need to set aside 2 weeks of crying to starting my grieving process, but with almost 2 kids, that is not reality.

The other night as I was filling out Baby Girl's family tree section of her baby book, I came across the section, "Mother's Brothers." I just filled in Andy's name like it was nothing. It took me a few moments to realize that he would not be here to meet her. He would not be calling the hospital, like he did when Ethan was born, talking to me. He would not be updating his facebook status, telling the world that he was a proud Uncle, again.

With Charlie it seemed easy to grieve. I'm not really sure why and really the word "easy" isn't the right word at all-grieving takes work, is emotional draining, and physically exhausting. And I think for me, I don't want to think about Andy not being on this earth. It's "easier" to "pretend" that he is alive, living with Shannon and they are as happy as can be. At times I have arguments with God, I used to feel pretty guilty that I was even mad with God. But as a very wise Chaplain told me, "God already knows what you are thinking, and He can take it!" I'm reminded that Jesus grieved and wept for his friend Lazarus. So, Jesus knows what the human heart feels like when we experience deaths in our family and friends. But it's so hard to wonder God's perfect plan in all this when many wonderful Christians, who could have done wonderous things on this earth to further His kingdom die.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for me in letting these feelings out. I know it was pretty deep, but thank you for listening and if the LORD leads you to pray for me, our family, and Andy's wife Shannon, we would appreciate it.

The day of Baby Girl's birth will be wonderful, no doubt about that, and as I'm typing this I'm getting very excited about meeting her. God has already picked out her Birth Day, and maybe even Andy knows. I know that Andy will be rejoicing up there, but I do so desperately want him to be rejoicing with us down here.

Missing Daddy.

2010-08-04T19:22:00.002-06:00

Jeremiah has only been gone for almost 7 weeks (totally not counting, right?! =) Ethan has been wonderful and we've gotten into a routine. He mentions Daddy in photos on our walls, listens to Daddy's voice before bed time and we pray for Daddy every night.

But recently we've gotten into such a routine that I haven't played many videos of Daddy. We recorded a whole bunch before he left-Daddy reading (some of Ethan's favorite books!) to Ethan and playing with Ethan. By his reaction to "seeing" Daddy on Sunday and Monday nights, I realized that Ethan has to watch a video everyday-even if it's a video we've seen a billion times-all he wants to see is Daddy. He especially loves the ones of him and Daddy playing-it really is hilarious to watch him, watching himself =)

So tonight, as I was making dinner, he got out, by himself, some albums and pointed out Daddy. It really broke my heart. He isn't at the age to "cry" over Daddy not being here but certainly misses him. It hurt my heart to see Ethan longing for his Daddy. He misses the rowdy-ness, the piggyback rides (which I certainly can not give him or it would be funny to watch!) and all the things that Daddies are especially awesome for!

It was easy the first time Daddy was gone. Ethan was a newborn and didn't know any different and all he needed was me to survive. I'm really seeing the reality of deployments on children, and I only have one. I can't imagine mothers who have 2-4 or 5 children. All I can do as Ethan's mother is give him lots more attention and just love on him. Things are changing all around us as we will be welcoming baby girl in just 2 short months. I'm thoroughly enjoying this time with my precious boy, but I wish and long with all my heart that Jeremiah could be here.

We miss you and love you Daddy!

A lazy day at home.

2010-07-18T12:00:00.001-06:00

(Just an FYI, our lazy day was Thursday! I guess I was having too much fun being lazy and didn't post this-Ha!)

I really love lazy days at home. If I get a shower, great, if not, no biggie. I don't have to put on make-up because I don't have anyone to impress. Ethan has to love me because I'm his mommy and he thinks I look and smell just fine with no make-up and no shower. It might sound pretty gross, but again, I love days like this. I don't have to 'pretend' to be anyone else, I can just be me. Plus, I secretly love to get things done around the house-I know it's really an obsession-just call me Monica!

Well, today I also felt like being cozy and baking. I asked for some favorite banana nut bread recipes from some friends and I received many. I don't really have my own recipe for this concoction, so I was eager to try any recipe that sounded amazing. I took two recipes that I got from friends and sort of combined them, since most of the recipe was the exact same! Wowza it came out amazing! So thank you Keli and Thailia for your recipes!

Another 'recipe' that I wanted to make was something that started when I was a young child. Andy and I really had the best childhood and two amazing parents. The best part to me about being a parent myself is to pass down favorite memories and activities that I had and did as a child and create them for Ethan. I want Ethan to have the best childhood that I and Jeremiah can give him-even if we are inside most days because of the horrendous heat! Nothing goes great with a cozy memory than an intoxicating smell! I just so happened to have all the ingredients for this 'recipe' that my mom received from her mother-in-law, my Nonie. I'm sure it's nothing new. I'm sure hundreds of families use this to create aroma in their home. But for me, nothing smells better or brings back very special memories than stove-top potpourri. The ingredients I use are similar to fall smells and although it isn't fall yet, I could still smell the awesome aroma of autumn in my home. Here is the 'recipe' but really I don't measure the ingredients, I just eye-ball it.

Stove-top Potpourri:
A little trick~ Use more of each ingredient when you want a stronger smell!
2 cups orange juice (I do add more, depending on how many hours I heat)
2-3 cinnamon sticks (or if you prefer, 1-2 T Cinnamon)
4 apple slices (again, you can add more or less)
6-8 whole cloves (or if prefer, 1-2 T ground cloves)
1 T ground allspice
1 T ground nutmeg (I didn't have any on hand, so I
didn't use it!)

And of course no lazy day would be complete without happenings from my little guy! As I was being "Betty Homemaker" in my no make-up or showered self, Ethan was getting into the markers and wrote all over himself. I couldn't blame him really, after all I did give them to him myself thinking that he would actually do what I said and color/draw on the paper. It just goes to show you that an almost 2 year old has a mind all his own!

Happy 4th!

2010-07-04T19:39:00.000-06:00

Nothing says Fourth of July like...

talking to my love on the phone <3

playing with my little firecracker outside

(and that he surely is=)

eating watermelon

swimming

eating more watermelon & relaxing =)

and devouring some apple pie!

I hope everyone had a very Happy Fourth of July! Ours was great and relaxing! But it will be even better next year with baby girl and Jeremiah here with us to celebrate! We can't wait =)

"Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,

the people he chose for his inheritance.

From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind;

from his dwelling place he watches all who live on

earth...The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.

Psalm 33: 12-14, 18 NIV

Big Dreams.

2010-07-02T19:51:00.002-06:00

Oh, baby girl

how I love you already.
You are 27 weeks old today.
I heard your heart beating this week.

I feel you move constantly.
Which I would appreciate if it wasn't while I'm sleeping =)

I've dreamed about you.

Your Daddy has dreamed about you.

He isn't here right now, but I know you know his voice already.

He loves you so much.

You already have him wrapped around your finger.

You also know your big brother's voice too.

Hopefully when you arrive he won't wake you up from too many naps.

He will be the man of the house until your Daddy comes back.

It's good to have a brother.
You will love him and fight with him many times.
You will also conspire with him and he will teach you things.
Some good, some not so good.

But the best thing about having a brother is:
He will be your best friend & your confidant.

Even when you get older.
Especially since you two will be so close in age.
I can say this because I had the BEST brother.
He will always defend you.

We have given you a name, but it will be a surprise on your birth-day.

Know that you are already loved so much.

The pinks and lavenders are filling the closet.
You bring sunshine into our lives.

You complete our family.
You are our 2nd dream come true.

Your Heavenly Father loves you.
Even more than we could ever possibly love you.
We will guide you and teach you His truth everyday.
You can always trust and count on Him, for He will never fail you.
He has a purpose for your life.
We are excited to bare witness to His plan for you,
our dear daughter.

10 years later.

2010-05-29T07:00:00.000-06:00

10 years ago my Mom began a journey that would change her life. She heard God calling her to go into ministry, through scripture and lots of nudging. She is my inspiration. Because you see, it takes a special and unique person to stop teaching (after you've taught for 20 plus years), after raising two children and after being 40 something (sorry to reveal your age 10 years ago, Mom =P) to suddenly change careers and feel lead to something you never thought or considered. To be honest, I couldn't do it. But she did.

My Mom, she's a woman of God and has experienced lots of joy-filled moments and lots of heartache during these 10 years of school. She began by getting her "feet wet" and taking a course every semester, while still teaching school. She was MOB (Mother of the Bride) when I married Charlie. She then began going to school full time. She got her 1st church as a Student Pastor in 2004 at Lakeside United Methodist Church-which was a big move from the town and house that she got married in and raised Andy and I. She had to physically leave all of her friends and everything that was familiar, to go to "foreign" land. She carried me through the most difficult moment in my life-the loss of my precious Charlie in 2005. As a mother would, she gave up her fall semester to be with me through those first few months. Her reply to the committee for this decision was, "God called me to be a mother first." She was/is selfless. She grew more in her knowledge of Christ through her studies and took more and more classes. She was MOB again, when I married Jeremiah in 2007. She became a grandmother for the first time in 2008, when Ethan was born. She was MOG (Mother of the Groom), when Andy married Shannon in 2008. Then it was those around her who carried her through the most difficult moment of her life, the loss of Andy, not even 6 months ago. Instead of giving up, because as many times as she wanted to and thought she couldn't do it, she persevered through, finishing her schooling and paperwork to graduate in May. Dad and I told her many times (and I think it helped!) that Andy would not want her to give up after coming so far because of his death. Andy was there, indeed, rejoicing with Charlie and God. Again, I couldn't do it. But she did.

I know the depth of what I just wrote doesn't seem like much on paper, I mean 10 years written in one paragraph doesn't do her journey justice, in the least. These words don't even come close to what I feel for my mom and how proud I am of her. I'm very blessed to have a mother like Rachel Hollingsworth. For she gave up all the comforts of familiar land to go and fulfill God's desire for her life in "foreign" land. I Love You, Mom!

Rev. Rachel Hollingsworth, Masters of Divinity

Asbury Theological Seminary

My Momma is so pretty =)

FAMILY

It truly was a wonderful & very bittersweet day. We missed two wonderful men who began this journey with Mom. But as Mom said, "They had the best seat in the house."

Congratulations, Mom!

I'm so proud of you!

Mother's Day.

2010-05-09T18:00:00.002-06:00

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned & let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31:30-31

Happy Mother's Day! I hope all you Mommies had a great day with your kiddos and hubby =)

This is my 2nd Mother's Day. I've had the privilege and honor of bringing a beautiful and precious baby boy in this world (as I type, my child is screaming because he wants to "help" Daddy and Daddy is finished needing his help =) I couldn't ask for anything better than being a Mom, except for one day (way down the road) to be a Grandma (did I mention, way down the road?!) I'm humbled that God has found favor in me to be a fitting Mom, even though at times I don't feel so fitting, able or even honorable as a Mom. But that's ok because every time I feel that I have failed, God still loves me anyways. I feel thankful to celebrate this day by talking to my mom several times =) and being with my husband and Ethan (and feeling baby move =)

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 4

Although I've enjoyed my Mother's Day, I'm reminded of those amazing women and moms that are hurting today and that Mother's Day isn't the best day for some. I'm reminded of the women who so want to be a mom, but can't. Of the women & moms who have lost their mom. Of the moms who have lost children through death or miscarriage. And of the moms whose husbands are not on this earth to celebrate this day with them. I honor you all today and feel blessed to know each of you. Because within the hurting heart of yours, lies strength that is very apparent to the outside world. Because even if you think that no one notices or cares, I do and I notice and so does God.

God's compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

~ ~ ~

A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.

John 16:21

My first homemade Mother's Day gift from Ethan! His finger prints are the ladybug and caterpillar~how creative and sweet! Way-to-go Nursery workers =)

Baby Kline and Mommy~ 19 weeks, 2 days

3 generations~Andy, Grandma Algren (my Mom's mom), Mom and Me

Andy and Grandma are together this Mother's Day.

You, LORD, created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

Save a Place.

2010-04-30T18:01:00.003-06:00

It's coming up on 5 months. It's always the days leading up to an 'anniversary' that get me. Here's to my brother, Andy. I love you, I miss you.....

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did

Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

Save a Place for Me
by
Matthew West

~MRK

Re-Unite

2010-04-27T13:32:00.000-06:00

Re-united and it feels so good......

This song has been stuck in my head pretty much since we started this amazing 10 week marriage bible study. After trying out a couple of churches, we found one that we love: Grace Bible Church. It's just what we were looking for- -more up-beat music (I love some good worship music), a great pastor whose sermons keep you wanting more and really make you think, and some friendly faces. (Not to mention that their nursery is awesome-our church in Colorado Springs did not have a nursery for Ethan) Plus, we just had this amazing feeling that we belonged there. And they have a Heroes at Home Sunday school class for wives of deployed soldiers- - can't wait to get into that in a few months. Now, the first time we went, I didn't like it. I recommend going to a new church at least 3 weeks in a row, just to make sure =)

So, onto our study-- it has been a real eye-opener, to say the least. The object of this study was to help Re-unite couples, whose husbands had just gotten home from a deployment. So, needless to say, this was right up our alley. Even though Jeremiah has been home for over a year, he will be leaving in June for 12 months in Afghanistan. We can always spruce up our relationship =)The topics that were discussed, like the obvious 'communication', really struck a nerve with both of us, because we thought we communicated so well. Oh, no =) One week there was a topic of problem-solving (how do we handle disagreements with our spouses) and even one about intimacy =) Our teachers, Adam and Laura, had tons of information and experience to share. It was wonderful to know that just because your christians doesn't always mean you have the 'perfect' marriage. But it's how you pull through the hard times and stick it out, never using the "D" word as a way out. We definitely have some great ways and scriptures to lean on when those pesky 12 months of deployment get in the way.

So, Sunday was our last study together--we were always looking forward to Sunday nights and very sad to see our time with new friends ending. I was really excited all week, because we knew that they were planning something special & we even got to dress up. But, wow, we had no idea...

There was candlelight, soft and fun music, roses for each lady, our teachers served us our awesome food, and we all had the opportunity to renew our marriage vows! It was an amazing experience that I will always treasure--alone time (short of =) with my man. Oh, and did I mention that they had free childcare throughout these 10 weeks?! Our teachers, Adam and Laura, really went all out of us and made our evening so special.

So, onto some photos......

Ethan and Jeremiah goofing off!

Ethan looking at our church steeple-he gets so excited about it and points to it every time!

Self~portrait--you can never have too many!

Our marriage covenant and rose!

And me, in all my glorious belly.

Movin' on Up.

2010-04-20T12:12:00.005-06:00

Aw, the time has come. I'm not really sure I was ready for this big step to occur. But apparently it doesn't matter what I'm ready for, it matters what Ethan is ready for. I still consider Ethan as a baby, he isn't even 2 years old yet. Dare I say it....he's a Toddler.

I shouldn't be surprised really. He first rolled over at 2 1/2 months (no joke)! He has been climbing out of his crib ever since he was about 15 months old. He has been climbing on everything, in and out of everything. No wonder he likes bananas, he's a monkey. He has been on the move from such a young age. He is determined to do what he wants and will let no one get in his way. As this is, indeed a good trait to have as a grown-up, I was certainly not ready for it. Are we ever ready for the next phase of our growing child's life?!

I learned a few weeks ago that I wasn't alone in this matter. My friend, Robin has a little boy who just turned two. She and her husband didn't want to at first but decided (because of the climbing out) to change her son's bed into a Toddler bed at the tender age of 18-19 months. Yikes! She encouraged me to just do it (cause Ethan was obviously ready) but to stand firm with it, even if it's not the easiest for you. It feels so great to talk to other mother's-the encouragement really inspired and helped me-thanks, Robin! =) And thank you to all who have shared some wisdom and expertise when it comes to being a MOM.

So, on Friday, after J got home from work, we changed his convertible crib into a toddler bed. We made it a pretty big deal, cause let's face it, it is! It may not have been for him, but is sure was for J and I. He ran right to his bed and loved that he could get up into by himself. I loved the fact that I didn't have to lift him into bed. As I get bigger, he is going to get bigger. I was also stoked to be starting this before J leaves for the sandbox. I already have to potty train a boy by myself, I didn't want to do this too. That will be another interesting topic when the time comes =P

We've had quite the success with his new bed. I was really surprised. Nights are easy and wonderful. Nap time can be tough-as Robin reminded me-you've got to stand firm. Which means for us to keep going in to lay him down if he gets up (cause let's face it, they all do!) and being on top of it. I've been tempted to even pop the pacifier in to calm him down for nap time. I have to remember (and remind myself everyday!) that it's not what's easiest for me, it's what's best for Ethan. Oh, and there are definitely times where I'm easiest on me. I'm totally bragging and going to jinx myself on this, but he took a 3 hour nap yesterday. He hasn't done that since he was an infant, if that. The option of whether to get out or not is his, which he did anyway before. I think he knows that this is a big change and that he is getting bigger. So far, he likes it.....and so do we.

As for the pacifier and bottle, we are getting rid of those too. He is doing quite well without them =) Ethan's baby years are in the rearview mirror. I can't believe it.

Ethan helping with the changing of his bed.

Ethan hardly helping with the changing of his bed =P

He is ready to rock and roll. Eh, I mean rock a bye, baby!

Good night, sweet one. Happy 2o month Birthday!

In the swing, again.

2010-04-16T10:00:00.000-06:00

Most of you know that my long time hobby and passion has been for scrap booking. It's no secret, really. If you've ever visited me, I've probably whipped out several scrapbooks of my sorority/college years, my and Charlie's wedding, our first year of marriage, my girlfriends in Colorado (that was a FUN scrap booking time =) and an in memory album of Charlie's deployment and later the newspaper clippings/photos of the many memories and statues that have his name and many others on it to honor those that have given the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom (a little passionate about that one =) I was even a Creative Memories seller and guru for awhile. Well, my light for scrap booking went out soon after Charlie's death and has not returned...until now.

I've been recently ignited back into my passion due to the fact that Ethan doesn't have a scrapbook, Jeremiah and I don't have a scrapbook and this next child needs a scrapbook. I vowed to myself to have Ethan's 1st year done before this next baby arrives, which is probably a very high expectation, but I intend to triumph! Here is where Michael's came to my rescue...

Ta-da!

This is my first 2 pieces (top is separate from bottom) of my new scrap booking and craft table (obviously the table part is missing). I still have and would like many more storage cubes and the table that connects them, eventually. I found these at Michael's for a pretty good price. And the best part is is that you can add as many storage cubes or as few as you would like. So the cost is really up to how big or how small you want your creating center! I hope to get a couple more pieces, since this only holds 1/3 of my scrap booking/stamping supplies. Stay tuned....

Off topic:

A new christian artist who you've probably heard of is Francesca Battistelli. I ended up getting her cd several months ago when it was $5 at Family Christian bookstore. I'm totally digging her new song, 'Beautiful, Beautiful'. Her voice is unique and pretty amazing. My sister in love, Shannon just introduced me to another song on this "My Paper Heart" cd called 'Behind the Scenes.' So if you dig christian solo artist's music, download some songs or by the cd-pretty awesome.

Unexpected Blessings.

2010-04-12T15:00:00.007-06:00

I'm in total awe of the fullness of God's unconditional love and grace He has over me and my family. I'm not saying that I feel this way all the time, I still have lots of trust issues with Him, but He knows that and we are dealing with them. One thing that I am sure of is that in chaotic and heart breaking times, God shows that He is still there, loving us, holding us up and comforting us. At least that has been my experience in losing Charlie and now, Andy. In January, we found out that we were expecting, again.

We (I) was a little shocked because I was taking birth control pills and they always work, right? We weren't trying or planning on having another baby, at this time. I'll admit at first I was worried and not too excited because I didn't want to do this alone again, having a child in the middle of a deployment, like Ethan. Not just for me but for Jeremiah, missing out on so many things that he never got to experience with Ethan. I know he was heartbroken when I had to tell him on the phone about Ethan rolling over ( I did video it, too!) . But then I looked at the bigger plan, the bigger picture. We were going to have 2 children. 2 very unique gifts God created to be brought into this world. That God entrusts this responsibility of 2 children to Jeremiah and I. WOW. God created this child for a purpose, for a reason. Like Charlie. Like Andy.

So, needless to say, we are extremely excited about this new miracle in our lives. I've already felt him/her kick. I have a little belly. They should write a manual on how things with the 2nd child comes quicker. Belly pops out sooner, and you feel things sooner-maybe because we've already experienced this once and know what a kick or flutter feels like. The time is quickly flying by with this pregnancy. I'm beginning to feel like I'm in the nesting phase and have monsterous (I don't know if that's really a word :p) amounts of energy, even after chasing Ethan around all day. I tell him everyday that he will be a big brother and pat my belly and say, "Baby!" He responds with echoing my words, "Babee!"

Today I (Jeremiah was out flying :( was able to see our baby for the first time. This ultrasound was to determine the exact due date, because again, this child wasn't planned by us. We will get another one in 5 more weeks! I was totally stoked because I had to wait until 20 weeks with Ethan. After holding my bladder for an hour-yikes!- I was able to see him/her. My heart is smitten.

Here are the stats:

Heartbeat: 149

Measuring: 15 weeks, 3 days

Sex: don't know yet-little stinker had his/her legs crossed and a bit too early

Weight: 4 ounces

Due Date: October 1, 2010

On a side note, today is a special day for me. Not only did I see our baby, but 9 years ago, Charlie asked me to date him. I find it so special when God uses dates that normally would make me sad, into a joyous event. So in keeping of the spirit of this 'anniversary', here is the first picture that Charlie and I ever took together. His face is a little red, he was allergic to alcohol, but apparently that didn't stop him.

Mary-Anne & Charlie

March, 2001

I love you and miss you!

10 things

2010-03-24T12:00:00.001-06:00

I am utterly stoked about our upcoming trip to Florida!

There is just something about South Florida in the spring time-not quite that humid yet, spring breakers, riding around town with the sunroof down and those pesky New York and New Jersey drivers go home for the warmer months (they are truly the reason why Florida is given such a bad name for driving, hence "South Jersey", but I digress =) AND Easter. I always thought Christmas was my favorite holiday, but all it is now is just bittersweet and a reminder that 2 of my loved ones aren't here. Maybe in a few years it will become a favorite again.

So, here is my top 10 things (not in any particular order) that I CAN'T wait to do while in Florida. Incidentally, most of these things have to do with eating =) What can I say? I'm pregnant!

1.) Eating (at least twice, or maybe three times) at CR CHICKS! There are only 7 locations, all in South Florida. The bread is amazing, chicken is slow-roasted, and oh, those potatoes! Chicken breast sandwich, no tom with a side of fruit or smashers is calling my name =)

2.) Pollo Tropical~Chicken on the Grill! Love this dose of Cuban food. Chicken or Ropa Veija, black beans and rice, and plantains. I must give credit to my high school boyfriend for the love of Cuban food (since he is Cuban after all!)

3.) Andy~ his 28th birthday would have been next Tuesday, March 30th. However, we are still celebrating at his favorite karaoke and german restaurant, Little Munich. Little Munich, also known and called the Dirty Dwarf, has been the venue where many celebrations and events have occurred for both Andy and Shannon. Andy first took me (as well as Shannon, Brianne and Kelly) there for some karaoke (and no, I didn't sing=) He would and could belt out the lyrics of any Frank Sinatra song and then put on his backwards cap to rap to the infamous 'Rapper's Delight', which put the original artist to shame. If you've never heard a white boy rap, you've missed out on Andy's unique talent =). At his and Shannon's Bachelor/Bachelorette Party in Dec. 2008, he surprised our Aunt Beverly (who came for the wedding!) with his amazing voice, as he belted out the classic Christmas song, 'It's the Holiday Season' by Andy Williams. I will never be able to listen to 'Night & Day', 'Rapper's Delight' and 'It's the Holiday Season' the same ever again. He also worked there when it was called the 'Dirty Dwarf'. So definitely lots of history for Andy. Celebrating at Little Munich would be honoring him. Although I would give anything I had to see him there singing, one last time. On the down side, I'm not looking forward to visiting Andy at the cemetery.

4.) Beach Time~ the last time Ethan was actively at the beach was when he was 7 months old....he is going to go WILD when he sees the waves, but will probably be more interested in the seagulls and the occasional blimp flying by (as his favorite thing to do now is looking into the sky at helicopters, airplanes, and flying creatures=) As for me, I hope to be bringing my tan back =)

5.) Pedi's & Mani's~ this is relaxing time with Mom =) It's almost a tradition with us to get our nails did while visiting each other. When she would come to CO, we did the same thing too. It's a real treat! Plus, my feet look awful. I certainly won't go into the details but...YIKES!

6.) Easter~ my mom's church (Lakeside United Methodist) is putting on it's annual Easter Egg Hunt, which I'm happy to say that Ethan is participating in for the first time this year. I can't wait to watch him find the eggs =) It's so neat to relive your childhood years through your kiddos! Also, LUMC Easter Cantata, Maunday Thursday Service and Easter Sunday. There is nothing quite like good ole' hymns to celebrate Jesus Resurrection. I can just hear it now, ......'up from the grave He arose. With a mighty triumph or His foes'....... Don't get me wrong I LOVE contemporary christian music, but sometimes there is just no comparison. Nobody writes or talks like that anymore, it's a shame. Pretty powerful. Although, going into the sanctuary and not seeing Andy behind the sound booth will cut like a knife.

7.) Party~ I'm so excited that my friend Brianne is hosting a Gold Canyon party for me. A party filled with friends, candles, good food and wine (not for me, of course) is just what this girl ordered!

8.) Family~this goes hand in hand with Andy, but we will get to see family! Mom and Dad, of course, Shannon, Debbie, my Aunt Vicki and Uncle Jimmy, and if I'm lucky, my cousin Melissa and Rob and their two children (one of which is Ethan's age!). And of course this will encourage us to eat even more meals together. Eating=family time =)

9.) Date Night~finally, a date with my husband =) This just makes me happy. I love when we visit grandparents. They get to spend a little extra time with E-man and J and I get to have a warm meal and eat slowly with no E-man. I love my boy, but at times really long for those carefree and spontaneous outings with my hubby.

10.) The Lake~mom and dad's house is right on Lake Osborne. In the summer and spring you can usually spot water skiers, sea-doos, and fisherman on their boats. It also has a great walking/running path right next to it. You just have to watch out for those hungry alligators =) All I need are my Nike's, Ethan and BOB. And of course, Jeremiah =)

Gosh, I didn't realize how long this post was until now...oops!

On a more serious note, our family could really use prayer next week. It's a big week, being Andy's birthday and Easter. Please cover us in prayer with traveling mercies, as we are driving to FL, for my Mom and Dad, Shannon, Debbie, and us for continued healing, comfort and peace, and for realizing that Easter is about what Jesus did on the cross for us who believe, our sins and our redemption, to forever be with Him, and to also remember that Andy is with Jesus and oh, what an Easter he will have this year! (Ephesians 1:3-14)

Thank you, dear friends. You are loved.

Sunny Days & Bubbles.

2010-03-16T18:15:00.000-06:00

Aw, finally some warmth and sunshine! I love being outside and in our backyard-it's the perfect "get a tan on your white self" backyard. Although I won't be tanning my belly, my legs, arms, and face will thank me =) I'm sure in a few more months I will no longer like the sun and humid weather that Texas brings, but I'll get over it! For right now, sunshine is good.

We decided that on every "pay" weekend that we would drive to Round Rock or Austin to eat lunch, goof around and shop, if our bank account allows =) Round Rock is closer than Austin and has many of our favorite lunch spots and stores-Jimmy John's, Mimi's Cafe, TGI Fridays, etc AND the shopping, oh the shopping-IKEA, Jo Ann's, REI (which thrills Jeremiah=) and the RR outlets (which thrills me=) It's so nice to get-a-way, even if it's only 45 minutes from our home. At least it gives us a chance to get out of Killeen for the day=)

Today (Sunday!) was an awesome day. It was a nothing special planned day, but spending time together as a family, bubbles with Ethan and a marriage bible study to top off the evening. I caught a few pictures of Ethan and his fun with the bubbles. He is getting to be such a little boy and not a baby. I just LOVE him! He will make an excellent Big Brother!

Ethan's Spiderman pose!

Sporting his new aqua socks in preparation for Florida in a few weeks!

3 months down, FOREVER to go.

2010-03-06T07:45:00.004-07:00

(I meant to write something on March 3rd but the week got away from me.)

It seems like it's been forever since I last spoke to my brother. This past week was 3 months/13 weeks since he first saw the glory of Heaven and our Maker, face to face. At times I get so excited about something that I just have to tell him. For a brief moment everything is fine, and calm, just like it was on December 2nd. Then the pain of knowing Andy is not here will come flooding back, and I realize once again I will never get to hug him again or call him for the heck of it, in this life. And the grief sets in.....again.

How did this happen to Andy? Why did this happen to Andy? Am I supposed to get used to this? How in the world am I, my parents and Shannon supposed to go on? These questions have been rolling around in my head since December. Sometimes I feel like my grief is easy-oh, we will see Andy again in Heaven, He is with Jesus, We should be rejoicing. Really? Rejoicing? I'm sorry but I don't feel much like rejoicing that Andy is gone. And then sometimes grief rears its VERY ugly head and wreaks havoc in everything-Andy is really gone. He won't ever get to have a McDonald's coke again (I know it's silly but Andy LOVED McDonald's coke-and I remember actually saying this too), He will never get to be a father. How is that fair? Grief and losing someone you love way too young is just not fair, it just isn't.

Between losing Charlie and now Andy, I consider myself an expert on grief, unfortunately. The one thing I do know is that I will be longing for Charlie and Andy until I see them again. I often compare losing Charlie to losing Andy. And just like my relationship to each of them is/was different, my grief is different for both of them. My feelings for Charlie have been really transparent the past 4 1/2 years. But my grief for Andy is different. It's hard to describe. Andy is/was my brother. There is a longer history there, almost 28 years. Andy was not only my brother, but my best friend. We would get into trouble together, be each other's worst enemies, and then be each other's confidant. No one can every replace him. I will never have an earthly brother again. I'm am now an only child, physically, to my parents. I will miss never being an Aunt to his children, I will miss him never knowing or holding this child I'm carrying, I will miss him not physically being a part of Ethan's life, I will miss never celebrating any birthday or holiday with him. I will miss not knowing him more as an adult. I will miss my brother. forever.

We were so blessed to share in his last birthday on earth.

March 30, 2009

Snow... inside and out!

2010-02-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday snow headed our way here in Killeen. We woke up to beautiful, big flakes and a snowy blanket covering our backyard. For a second I thought we were back in Colorado (especially since the next day was sunny and beautiful, with melting snow!) What made it even doubly enjoyable was that Jeremiah was able to spend the day with us. On a side note: It's totally funny to see a state who doesn't get much snow freak out about the conditions of the roads. We've driven in much worse in Colorado, and they would never cancel schools and close down post for what we got. But hey, if they want to close down post, that is totally ok to have my husband home for a free day =) I'm certainly not complaining!

So, between my nausea (thanks baby kline =) and Ethan's longing to go outside (he doesn't have any snow gear that fits him anymore!) I returned to my friend Keri's blog for some inside messy fun. The only items I had on hand from the ideas were toilet paper, water and bars of soap (which we usually don't have bar soap, but we are gathering packs for Jeremiah's deployment and just happen to have them on hand). It was our lucky day. We opted to make "Clean Mud". Ethan loved it and it killed time while waiting for the day to pass. He even "tasted" it, which was funny and the expressions he gave were priceless =) He began gently tossing some of the "mud" on my kitchen floor, which made me realize how dirty the floor was and how much I need to clean it. So he "helped" me clean patches of the tiles on the floor! When the mud fun was over, I felt so energized to mop the floor, which is totally weird seeing as how the nesting phase is still months away. But nothing can come between me and the lovely smell of Pine Sol, not even nausea. Just call me Monica, from Friends!

Here are some snapshots I took from the days events and the recipe for "Clean Mud" via Keri's blog =) Thanks again girl! You not only gave me a great idea, but the idea motivated me to clean my kitchen floor-I shouldn't have been so excited, but I was. =)

Before we embarked on our adventurous "clean" mud, Ethan was hamming it up for the camera. So, I couldn't resist, especially since he usually turns away when Mommy has the camera. It's amazing how many expressions he can make in a matter of 10 seconds =)

Two of my favorites =)

Now on to the mess......

Our Clean Mud

Ethan performing his lovely crawl as he scoots the bowl across the floor.

Clean Mud
1 roll of toilet paper
1 bar of soap
1 quart of water

Take the roll of toilet paper and let your kids tear it up into little pieces. Then get a bar of soap and grate it into little bits with a cheese grater on top of the toilet paper. Start adding a little water and stirring it all up. The toilet paper will start to dissolve and get kind of fluffy and moldable. If it gets a little runny, you've added too much water. Better get another roll of toilet paper......

3 years.

2010-02-25T17:56:00.002-07:00

Happy Anniversary to US! Well, dating anniversary anyway =) It has been 3 years since my amazing Jeremiah asked me to date him. He took me the way I was, emotional, lots of baggage and all. Besides God, he has been a strong instrument in my healing, living again, and loving again. I don't know where I would be without him. I can honestly say he is my best friend, confidant, the one person I want to tell everything and anything to. I love him beyond words.

Happy Dating Anniversary, Babe!

Our 1st picture taken together (March 2, 2007)

E-E-E-Ethan and the Jets....

2010-02-20T10:59:00.007-07:00

well, really helicopters to be exact =)

We had a fun morning, even with the foggy and overcast weather. Jeremiah's unit was giving a tour of their aircraft and things that medics use for the school for the deaf from Killeen. The families were able to come out too and see what all the fuss was about. And wow, what a fuss it was! I remember being close to tanks before but Blackhawks, Apaches and Shinnoks are a whole different story. It's just amazing what pilots and medics have to work with, being in the air with minimal space. Jeremiah said that they can fit up to 6 injured persons in the Blackhawk....talk about tight space! Well, Ethan had the most fun, until we had to go and he threw his normal fit because he was having too much fun and didn't want to leave (I hope he grows out of this soon =(! So here are some of the cool shots I got. Ellen and Bella came out with us too, Bella loves helicopters too! Which just goes to show that you don't just have to be a boy to love planes and helicopters =)

Ethan obviously belongs in the pilots seat!

Daddy and Ethan =)

It's All about LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

2010-02-14T17:58:00.006-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

"Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Loves doesn't want what it doesn't have....doesn't force itself on others, isn't always 'me first,' doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others....puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 MSG

I'm so grateful. It hasn't felt like it lately, nor did it feel like it 4 1/2 years ago. But I do. I have the love of an amazing man, who has continued to help me heal, and who loves me despite how I treat him sometimes. He is a treasure and I love him so deeply. I had the love of a man who was taken from this earth much to soon. He was an incredible man of God. Although I miss him and love him, there was no one I knew/know more to be with Jesus, than him. And now and always, I have the love of a Father who loves unconditionally. I can mess up, be selfish, and not deserve His love, grace or mercy......but He gives it freely, because He loves me. He loves you. There is a song that echos this saying....'oh, how He loves you and me. oh how He loves you and me.' I don't really think about His love for me that often. But it's something that is true and very real. Praise God for His LOVE. I'm so blessed for the love of Jeremiah, the love of Charlie and the LOVE of my Father, Jesus Christ.

On a funny note, here is our Valentine sending his love on this day!

It takes TWO.

2010-02-03T19:14:00.005-07:00

or three or four...... :) :)

We are very excited and bittersweetly announcing that Ethan is going to be a BIG BROTHER in about 9 months :) I must say I was very surprised! All I could think about was Ethan and how much I love him and how could I possibly love another child. Well, I know it's possible. Look at my Mom and Dad with me and Andy. They did a great job with us and loving us equally. I hope I can do the same.

Another milestone and joy~filled event for us, but bittersweetly so. I truly longed to speak to Andy to tell him of this awesome news. He would have been so proud to be an Uncle, again. I hope he is looking down on us, knowing how much we miss and love him. Is it always going to be like this? With JOY comes sorrow? With wonderful news comes sadness. In a way, yes. No matter what happens down here, we will always long to be with him, to be with our Father who loves us more than anything, unconditionally. So, happy 2 months in Heaven, my dear Bubbie. I know you are having a phenomenal time with friends, family and JESUS. I love you and miss you more than you will ever know. You have truly made me so proud.

Time Flies.

2010-01-28T21:02:00.004-07:00

Today marks the 1 year since my husband returned HOME (safely~Praise God!) from Iraq. I still can't believe that we've had some stability for this long. Life sorta fills like normal, well not really normal due to the obvious, but normal non the less. I thought it would be fun to post some photos taken on that HOMECOMING Day.

Aw, homecoming.......I often wonder if Andy received the same Homecoming in Heaven that Jeremiah received, returning from Iraq. Were there "Welcome Home" balloons scattered throughout the heights of Heaven? Were there family members and friends there to greet, love on and welcome Andy as he was finally Home? How about homemade banners and signs on the walls of Heaven? Or maybe a police escort with sirens blaring as they drove him up to the gates? I guess we won't truly know until we arrive. But I do believe that Andy got an even better Homecoming. Isn't it awesome to be welcomed Home in that way, whether here on earth or in the gloriousness of Heaven. I'll bet our homecomings to Heaven will be more than what we could have ever imagined.

Today also marks 8 weeks since Andy received his eternal reward and was called Home. I don't really have the words that could ever describe the hurt and sadness that I feel right now. I'm at a loss. He is missed terribly and loved more than he will ever know.

Ethan: Portrait of an Active Boy.

2010-01-24T19:42:00.008-07:00

First, let me mention that I became an Aunt again today :) Jeremiah's sister, Haley and her husband Andy are the proud parents of a daughter, Cecilia Ruth Cowan, born at 7:56am (MST), weighing in at 7 lbs and 20 inches long. I hope to have photos soon :)

For the past several months I haven't taken as many pictures of Ethan as I would've liked to. On Friday, I decided to "follow" him and capture as much as I could of him with the many activities that kept him busy. This was probably over an hour span of time. I think he got annoyed that 1.) I was following him everywhere and 2.) he was tired of me with the camera. Ah, the life of a boy that wants NOTHING to do with taking pictures. Oh, well. One lesson I have learned since my brother's death is that this life is too short. We never know when we will be called to our eternal home. It's interesting how something so tragic and awful can make you really think about your own life. I want to spend time and capture lots more photos with my little boy. All I need to say is that he is very unique (as are we all :), sweet to his Mommy, and a very active little boy. So....sit back, relax and enjoy Ethan: Portrait of an Active Boy.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

~Psalm 139:13-14~

My Dream.

2010-01-21T11:06:00.008-07:00

I have had lots of thoughts the past seven weeks and haven't felt like writing until now. For some reason I'm not as open on pen as I was when Charlie died, or maybe I am, I just don't want to face reality yet. It's been 7 weeks since my brother died. The last two Wednesday nights, including last night, I've dreamt about Andy. Don't cha just love when your subconscious mind goes to that place you weren't expecting?! Well last night's dream was very real to me. I spoke to Andy and in return, he spoke to me. Now, before I go on, we all know how dreams can be~weird, not normal, crazy, could never happen, etc. Ok, I warned you....here is my dream....

I don't know where I was but I found out (by who I don't know) that Andy, as well as some other people who had died recently, could come back to earth for 4 hours. Not really sure why 4 hours, but it was, 4 hours. He came to Shannon, as he should being he is her husband. And obviously as anyone losing a husband/wife would want those 4 hours all to her/his self. I think Dad and Mom got to see him too. I remember Dad knowing and not telling me until it was almost time for Andy to leave, going back to Heaven. I don't remember where we were but the group was gathering, ready to go back to Heaven. The group was filled with mostly older women, don't remember seeing any small children. In fact I think the youngest was Andy. It was quite funny, actually and somewhat peaceful to see Andy with these older ladies, as he was often given hugs and kisses on the cheek by the older ladies in Mom's church. They just LOVED him. But he's Andy, who wouldn't, right? I rushed over to see him. It was as if my brother was waiting to see me. I probably had a couple minutes. I remember crying and holding his hand, saying, "Andy, I'm so sorry that you died." He looked at me with his impish grin and said, "It's ok, Mary-Anne. I'm ok." Just like Andy to reassure everyone else, to not fear, that it's ok. I smiled at him saying, "I love you, Andy." Right before he vanished in mid-air, he said, "I love you too, Sissy." That was it. Andy was gone. I finally had my good-bye with Andy. I was able to tell him one last time that I loved him.

I'm not sure why my subconscious spurred that dream on. Maybe because I didn't get to see him, laying in that hospital bed, talking to him like everyone else had a chance to, holding his hand and reminiscing of stories when we were young. I can't describe the pain I am feeling by losing my little brother. It's intense, it's devastating. It comes in waves, usually while rocking Ethan to sleep, thinking, "Why didn't Andy get to experience the love of his own child?, Why isn't Andy here to see and hear about all the cute things that Ethan is doing?" It's so not fair. It's just not.

I've been reminded of my losing Charlie, through thinking of and being there for Andy's wife, Shannon. Each and every time I think about what she has lost, I feel it. I understand it all too well. I know what she has lost, cause I've lost that too, with Charlie. I have so many other thoughts that I need to filter before writing down. It's still so surreal and it's hard to even think about grasping my mind around the thought that Andy died. I realize that Shannon and my Mom bare most of the pain. But I not only lost my brother, but a life-long best friend. I have a photo at Charlie's burial (I think you took it, Keri!) of the Rubado's, me and Andy. Our backs are to the camera. We are waiting and watching as the hersh (sp?) is being opened and Charlie's casket is rolled out. Andy is putting his arm around me, proudly and comfortingly. He, my little brother was there for me, when the worst possible thing in my life happened. He was standing by my side.

Brothers are good buddies,

kidding like crazy, companions

in life's adventures and good times

Remembering school,

waiting for summer to begin?

Comrade, kindred spirit,

true blue friend at my side

Through calm or stormy weather,

You will always come through.

(from a wooden frame with a photo of Andy and I, that I gave to Andy)

I love you, Bubbie.

Hobby Lobby is my BFF.

2009-12-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

I love working on crafts. My love for spur of the moment projects died a few years ago but is slowly regaining it's strength back into my life...Yippee! I was just introduced to Hobby Lobby a few years ago and have loved it every since. Jo-Ann's and Michael's are also wonderful (I'm totally not knockin' them!) but since we don't have either of these in Killeen, Hobby Lobby is where I shop for the latest in seasonal decor and other things too. First, I have signed up for their weekly email that gives the latest and greatest items for sale...I'm so not talking about ameasly 10% or 20%....I'm talking about 30% to 50% off items. It's a shoppers dream come true, plus I'm trying to jump on board with all my fellow bargain hunters. Then you get a 40% off coupon of a non-sale item. Genius!

I just wanted to post a few fun holiday (simple) projects. I love looking at ideas from friends, and so I thought ya'll would like to do the same. The first one is very simple. We always get a real Christmas tree every year. The tree farms that we buy from usually cut off some of the bottom branches so that your tree can fit nicely in your tree stand. Growing up, we would use the extra branches on the piano top and place lights or pictures throughout the branches. Really whatever you want to put on the branches. This year I did something I've never tried but loved it and only took about 10 minutes (the longest part was tying the bow-what can I say, I'm a perfectionist!)

Take 3-5 branches, tie some green floral wire around the branch tops (make sure the branch tops are even) enough to make it really tight and manageable to place a bow around the wire to make it look elegant (and to hide the wire!)
Then place an already made bow or some ribbon (the color choice is yours-I used red!) around the green wire and make your own bow.
Next, take some green floral wire and create a hook to hang your swag of frasier fir.
Finally, choose an awesome location to hang up your masterpiece. You never know, it might even be the newest thing to do with those extra branches of your Christmas tree =) (I'm sure I'm not the first person to ever do this!)

The finished product!

The next project was a centerpiece for our kitchen table! Every table needs one, whether its flowers or a candle. I used 3 vases Jeremiah and I had gotten for a wedding gift but hadn't used yet. They were cracked (they came that way!) so it was perfect for reflecting light. Again, I went to Hobby Lobby to let my imagination run wild. I picked up 1 bag of red glittery ball vase fillers (50% off) and 2 cartons of jingle bells (50% off). I used only 1 carton of jingle bells. I did want to use candles (cause I love them and sell them!), votives to be exact. I filled the bottom portion with the red ball vase fillers, placed the candle (it was in a clear votive holder!) on top of the fillers, then began filling the sides of the votive with jingle bells and red glittery vase fillers. I also happened to have some twigs with crystal beads on them (also a purchase from the HB!) and placed two to three twigs in each vase. Voila! I had a centerpiece for my table that I actually really love. I realize this might not be your cup of tea, but I like it! Let your creative juices flow =) Oh, the middle vase is larger than the other two. I opted not to put a candle in that vase but pine cones instead! Use whatever you have =) The cost of what I did have to buy was probably (and I'm totally guessing cause I can't find the receipt!) between 5-7 dollars!

The best thing is that is smells awesome! I love my Cozy Christmas votives =)

The candles are lit! Gives a warm, wonderful glow in the kitchen!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm an American.

2009-11-11T18:43:00.007-07:00

I'm just trying to be a father,
Raise a daughter and a son,
Be a lover to their mother,
Everything to everyone.
Up and at 'em bright and early,
I'm all business in my suit,
Yeah, I'm dressed for success from my head down to my boots,
I don't do it for money, there's still bills that I can't pay,
I don't do it for the glory, I just do it anyway,
Providing for our future's my responsibility,
Yeah I'm real good under pressure, being all that I can be,
And I can't call in sick on Mondays when the weekends been to strong,
I just work straight through the holidays,
And sometimes all night long.
You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,
And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,
Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
But if dying's asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with an honor,
'Cause freedom don't come free.

I'm an American soldier, an American,
Beside my brothers and my sisters I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy I will always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, so sleep in peace tonight.
American soldier, I'm an American,
An American,
An American Soldier

Toby Keith, "American Soldier"

Thank You & In loving Memory:

Fenton Hollingsworth, Jr (my papa-dearly missed)

Frank Hollingsworth (my great uncle~KIA WWII)

Dale Algren (my uncle)

David Algren (my uncle-dearly missed)

Ed Blackstock (my uncle)

*not sure of ranks, that's why I didn't place them

THANK YOU for serving Jeremiah! You make me proud everyday and I am in awe of your commitment to your country and your family. I love you so much!

~Jeremiah in Iraq, January 2008~

CPT Steve Rubado, 2LT Charlie Rubado, 1 SG Charlie Rubado

on Charlie's commissioning day~ April 2004

Thank you Steve and "Big"Charlie! (above)

In loving memory of 2Lt Charlie Rubado

KIA August 29, 2005

~You are missed and loved~

A Widow's Thoughts.

2009-11-09T13:03:00.014-07:00

I don't really know how to start this post but to just dive on into it. The recent events here at Fort Hood have been stirring in my mind and heart, bringing to the surface emotions that I've stuffed away for quite awhile. When you have children, you tend to take care of them and to not so much worry about yourself. I've heard many songs on our Christian radio station here that bring up lots of pain, lots of tears and lots of questions...still. Ones that I've heard when I lost Charlie, that are being played quite regularly since the shootings. Thoughts of losing yet another husband plaqued my mind while he was in Iraq, but now totally realizing it can happen at home brings back the fears.

I'm reminded of 1 John 4, that says "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.....There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." (Italics mine) But how can we not have fear, when bad things happen to good people and when they can occur at home? That is a question I have thought about for several years. That and "Why?" I don't have any answers on this matter. I very much worried about Jeremiah when he was deployed and I still worry about him now. Which is totally NOT how a Christian should be acting. So, when does the fear stop and the trust begin? I'm still learning that one, dear friends. Trust is another issue I had/have with my Savior. I say have because I daily put Jeremiah and Ethan in the hands of the Almighty...actually several times a day I do this. I don't know the plans God has for us, but He does and He promises that they are plans for a hope and a future and to never harm us. This is very much head knowledge, but I so desperately wish it was heart knowledge.

I still miss Charlie, everyday I miss him. I often think about the life we would have had, the children we might have had and the places God would have taken us. It's nice to think about him and talk about him too. My grieving comes and goes, but I do know this, I will always be grieving. It's not something I can just switch on and off (even though I would like it too!)

A book that was brought to my attention by my dear friend, Milly, "A Grace Disguised",written by a man who, in one accident lost his mother, wife and daughter, has brought much incite into my grieving heart.

"I remember counting the consecutive days in which I cried. Tears came for 40 days, and then they stopped, at least for a few days. I marveled at the genius of the ancient Hebrews, who set aside 40 days for mourning, as if 40 days were enough. I learned later how foolish I was. It was only after those 40 days that my mourning became too deep for tears. So my tears turned into brine, to a bitter and burning sensation of loss that tears could no longer express. In the months that followed I actually longed for the time when the sorry had been fresh and tears came easily. That emotional release would have lifted the burden, if only for awhile."

This is how I feel. I adore my Jeremiah and Ethan, but I'm still grieving the loss of a man, whom I loved. I just need to realize that it won't be wiped away with getting remarried and time passing. It's there. And always will be.

Carving and Costumes

2009-11-02T13:53:00.013-07:00

The season is upon us! Time for carving those pumpkins, roasting some seeds and making pies. We began the Halloween festivities on Friday night with a little pumpkin carving. I must say I haven't carved one of these things in years, probably since I was a youngin (yes, I did say youngin~maybe the Texas draw is getting to me:) Anyways, we carved 3 pumpkins, one for each of us. It was awesome to see Ethan's expressions as he dipped his hands into the messy goo of strings and seeds. He kept rubbing his hands together after and would laugh. His new thing now is to clap after everything! So, after we carved each pumpkin he would clap :) Ethan didn't go trick or treating this year...he sacked out after running around the house with his costume on.

I love this age. He is so full of energy and has the best time learning (feeling new things, trying new things, etc). It's awesome to be able to pass down traditions that J and I did when we were kids.

Oh, the wonder....

The guests of honor!

Changing into the costume was a bit of a show, really. I wish someone had a camera on us to witness this event:) We finally got Ethan into his puppy costume, although he didn't like it much and tried to take the ears off. But, he is the cutest puppy I've ever seen! (and Indiana, too!)

All of our photos of him are action shots. He would not sit still long enough for us to take a photo of him! He is quite the busy little bee =)

About to watch, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" He must like Charlie Brown in this family (especially since his mommy has "Charlie Brown Christmas" memorized...sad, I know!), if not I might have to disown him. =) Just Kidding.....

Come, O Great Pumpkin....

2009-10-31T07:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Fall Everyone! As you know from previous posts, this is definitely my favorite time of year. In following the traditions of last year and making some new ones (thank goodness the hubby is home!) we ended up where everyone goes around this time: to a pumpkin patch, on a mission to find the most beautiful and perfect pumpkins. When we arrived, we eagerly awaited a wheelbarrow or radio flyer wagon to collect our pumpkins. Little did we know that Ethan would through a huge fit because he, yes, you guessed it....he spotted a red wagon that looked exactly like his! It didn't even dawn on us to bring his :( It didn't bother him that others were using it, he wanted to help push the wagon to wherever they were going. After explaining to him (like you can explain anything to a determined 14 month old!) that the red wagon wasn't his, we got him interested in a wheelbarrow, but he really couldn't push it as well. That lasted only a few moments. As a mother and her kids were leaving they gave us the wagon that they were using. Ah, my hero! Another mother came to my rescue! Rule of thumb: Next year, we are bringing the wagon =)

After our dilemma with the wagon, it was awesome! We had such a great time and it was even a little chilly out =) Ethan could have cared less if we even bought a pumpkin, he just loved being able to push a wagon around and to be outside. It was definitely worth the fussing that Ethan did at the beginning! To be honest, I think Jeremiah and I had much more fun watching and taking pics of Ethan. After all, isn't that why you have children? To love on them and get to do stuff with them that you loved when you were little?! Our outing ended with lunch at none other than, Chick-Fil-A! It's the BEST!

Mr. Ethan McMuscles~loved pushing the wagon =)

Taking a time out to pose with Mommy! He's pretty much oblivious to the camera these days (that's probably why we only get a few with him actually looking at the camera!) Such a boy!

I wonder if this counts as child labor?!

Ethan, testing out the hay. Someone should have told him, that Hay is for Horses!

Our Little Pumpkin~2009

14 months

Our Little Pumpkin~2008

2 months

Good-bye Colorado.....

2009-10-14T10:22:00.008-06:00

I can't say enough about Colorado. From the Rockies, to the changing of seasons, to the many precious people that have come along my way, I have found it a privilege to live here for 4 1/2 years. Totally being wrapped up in God's majestic nature has been humbling. I often thing to myself, 'How can someone look at these gorgeous mountains and see the seasons change and not believe in the God who created all this for us to enjoy??' I have lots of history here: I came to Colorado with one husband and am leaving with another husband and son, I came here only knowing a hand full of people and am leaving with prayer warriors and friends that I love.Even though I experienced my great tragedy here, I am overjoyed with the plans that the Lord has set forth for my family and the precious, precious women, sisters who I have met and will know and hold dear to for the rest of my life. Thank you, Jesus, for the everlasting love that you show us through friends that You draw near to us.

** Disclaimer: this next part might be sad for some, just warning you!**

One of the families that God has blessed my with is the Rue Family. Charlie and I met Keri and Micah 5 years ago at Fort Knox, while they were hosting OCF at their home. It seems like we were just little girls back then, biding the time while our husbands were at OBC, not sure how we were going to make it for 10 days while our husbands were in the field, and wondering how we could even fathom a year without them but trying to make the best of it. It was as if God was already drawing us together to be best friends....little did I know how much I would need her in the coming months. Then over night, things changed. Charlie had died....just like that. No warning, no knowledge about how to become a widow.....I was one. I had gotten shoved into a group that I did not want to belong to. Thank goodness I had a great group of girl friends there for me, one of them being Keri. From this moment on Keri has given me lots of funny laughs, lots of thought provoking questions, lots of great food and mojitos :), lots of good advice ( I love our conversations, girl!) and lots of love for me, Charlie, Jeremiah and Ethan. She stood right beside me when I married Jeremiah. She has seen me at my worst and at my best and everything in between. She is my Keri and I just love her and praise the Lord for giving my her as a best friend! Ok, so these are our 'See ya later' pictures because we are going to see each other again!

Pikes Peak

Our little munchkins- it took me three or four trys before this cute picture was achieved!

I love this photo of Skylar! Doesn't see look like Keri?!

The Kline and Rue Families! I just had to post this photo just to show you what taking photos with kids entails. Keri has the better copy :) I think Ethan did NOT want to move to Texas :)

My BFF :)

Skylar and Ethan <3>

(They are totally going to get married one day :)

We miss you guys already!! Ethan sends Skylar hugs and kisses! We love you!

Honoring Military Spouses Everywhere!

2009-09-23T22:59:00.003-06:00

I got this email from a friend and thought it was good enough to post and so very true :) Enjoy! P.S. Even if you are not a military spouse, read it anyway. It's a good way of trying to understand what the wives and husbands experience :)

You might be a military spouse if...

...You live on your own, by yourself more after you're married than before you were married.

...You know all of your husband's coworkers by their last name, and rarely know their first name or even gender.

...Your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do.

...You only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change.

...You know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say.

...You have enough camouflage in your house to wallpaper the White House.

...You don't bat an eyelash at 22:45 and 0300 duty times.

...You are asked to stop talking in acronyms and translate it all to English.

...You've done more oil changes than your spouse, and even when your husband is home the mechanic asks to speak with you.

...You ask someone to hold on a second by saying, "Stand by."

...Military homecomings on TV bring tears to your eyes because you can relate so well.

...You've ever checked your email multiple times an hour in hopes your spouse has written you, and know how horrible email being "down" is.

...You wouldn't dream going anywhere without your cellphone, and all your other numbers forward to it.

...You've researched ways to surgically attach your cellphone to yourself.

...If you have a power of attorney, USE it, and freak out when it expires.

...If you know that not everyone accepts a power of attorney, despite the fact it gives you permission to practically BE your spouse.

...If you've ever argued that fact with someone in person or over the phone and gotten nowhere.

...Your husband spends more time getting ready for a formal function than you do, and on an average day spends way too much time ironing, polishing shoes, and shaping his beret.

...You can literally hold down the fort while your spouse is deployed or in the field.

...You know that 'dependant' means anything but.

…the floorboard of your car is littered with french fries, yellow foam earplugs and chem lights.

…you’ve shopped in the Class Six while being noticeably pregnant and explained to the unfazed clerk that you’re “just buying stuff for my husband.”

…you lean to the right while driving on post so the MP’s won’t see you talking on your cell phone.

…you’ve ever wished your husband would get the Medal of Honor so you could get front row parking.

…you know better than to shop the Commissary on the first or fifteenth day of the month.

…you have a “favorite gate guard.”

…you don’t feed your kids before FRG meetings but plan to let them fill up on brownies and Sprite once they get there.

…you watch “Army Wives” just to yell at the TV whenever something is unrealistic.

…you’ve ever stopped your husband on the way to work because of pair of your panties was stuck to his velcro.

…you plan a special day because of the words “Case Lot Sale.”

…you’ve ever had a nightmare that involved not knowing ”your sponsor’s last four.”

…you know all the words to “Blood on the Risers” but still cringe when you hear it.

…you save an especially stinky shirt to get you through a deployment

…you think the only thing sexier than ACU’s on a man are ACU’s off a man.

…your sentences start containing more [acronyms] and numbers than actual words.

…you refer to everyone not in the military or dating someone in the military as a Civilian, you can rattle off the time in perfect military time without having to think.

…you start referring to all girls & women as “females”

…you tell the timeline of your past through deployments.

…you think 6 months away from your husband is “not bad”

…you can’t remember the last four digits of your own social security #

…you constantly have to explain to businesses on the phone that your
husband can’t call to fix the problem because he’s in the middle of a desert somewhere.

Happy Anniversary!!

2009-09-22T07:38:00.000-06:00

Jeremiah & Mary-Anne
September 22, 2007

~After our wedding vows and kiss~

~The best kiss from the most amazing man~

~This day I will marry my friend. The one I laugh with, live for, dream with and love.~

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, JEREMIAH!

I LOVE YOU!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2009-09-16T20:25:00.010-06:00

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving & into His courts with praise"
~Psalm 100:4

You probably thought I was talking about Christmas...oh, no. For anyone who knows me, Fall is the most beautiful time and is totally my favorite season. Keri, Skylar, Ethan and I made a day trip to see the colors of the aspens, eat at K's and to get the kiddos out of the house :) We drove to Buena Vista, CO to see the autumn season that is upon us. We were not disappointed!

Ethan just recently started to walk. This was his first big trip where he got to walk a lot outside. He was a rockstar!

Mommy and Ethan's hands holding an aspen leaf. A Chaplain I know once told me that aspens on the ground look like little potato chips :) I've never forgotten that.....and I'm sure one day I'll tell Ethan too!

Ethan was not interested in sitting still for a photo. He was on the move and just had to see things! I love that he is so curious! I just like this photo of him and Skylar.

ASPENS!

Ethan was mesmerized by the delicious chocolate and vanilla cone at K's in "BV" (as the locals call it!) It was his first ice cream ever. He had lots of fun and I didn't mind at all that it got all over his stroller. I have accepted that boys are messy :) So, I'm just embracing the fun and messy part of being a mommy :) (For anyone who knows me, I'm like Monica off of Friends as far as cleaning. But not as bad! I promise :)

Getting some chocolate kisses from my little E-man! I love his squissy little cheeks!

Seriously, who would not love the beautiful scenery?

We had an awesome day! The kiddos crashed out on the way home from all the excitement and adventures they had partaken in. Skylar and Ethan have become fast friends! It was the most precious thing when they were reaching for each others hands in the back seat! Priceless!

Moving, a New House and a Get-a-way Weekend

2009-09-14T16:24:00.011-06:00

Ah, Moving Day! A common word known amongst us Army Wives and Husbands. I never thought that they would fill this ginormous truck with our stuff, but I assure you, they did. I was very fortunate to have one of my best friends, Brianne, helping me to man Ethan. She was a big help. Thanks, girl! After one full day of packing boxes and a half day of filling the truck....we were done! I haven't fully realized that we are leaving Colorado yet. It's been a very special place for me over the past 4 1/2 years. I'm sure I won't realize it until we hit the Texas border, my hair turns into cotton candy from the humidity, and I'm drenched with sweat that it will truly sink in. Needless to say, I'm very excited about the new adventure that God has in store for Jeremiah, Ethan and I. I love this quote, I've heard it tons of times but not sure who actually wrote it...."You never really leave a place you love. Part of it you take with you, leaving part of you behind."

It has truly been a joy to see Keri's little girl, Skylar and my little dare devil, Ethan play together. Keri and I have known each other for 5 years. She knows the in's and out's of my life, and was there for the worst and best moments! I will miss you girl and thank you for being a sister to me!
So, Keri bought Skylar a cardboard play house (super cute)! Well, I'm not sure if they had more fun playing in the house as we did taking their picture. This also allowed my son to learn to climb through the window of the house. (Should I be worried about this later on in his teenage years?!)

My little munckin! Brianne and I went to the Broadmoor before she left Colorado. We had a fun time, did some shopping and took a few photos. This was one of Ethan in exactly the same spot that Jeremiah and I were married. Little did we know 2 years after we were married, we would have a 13 month old baby boy. God truly works in ways I never knew possible!

Yay, for a get-a way weekend with my hubby! We had a fabulous time in Destin, Florida. He has been at Fort Rucker (Mother Rucker, as it is more commonly known) for 3 weeks for Flight Medic School training. We thought it was long overdue for a much needed weekend with just the two of us, no Ethan. Thanks to Haley, Andy and Keri, it totally worked and it was a weekend that I will never forget. Since we married in September 2007, we've been together for a total of 10 months, with a deployment in between and a child :) Talk about your fast track in the Army ;) We ended up shopping, getting a massage and eating lots of great food (that normally would have gotten cold if Ethan had been there :) I'm totally and madly in love with my husband! (and of course, Ethan too!)

My son loves cottage cheese! Well, all I can say is that he didn't get it from me. I just wanted to document the event and to show everyone just how cute he is, even with rasberries and cottage cheese on his face!

The Beauty of Colorado

2009-08-21T15:24:00.006-06:00

We are going to miss Colorado.

That's the understatement of the year....

On Sunday, we were able to go to Garden of the Gods for the first time with the 3 of us! It was so fun! The weather was gorgeous, a light breeze (enough to wear a jacket :), and we actually had time to do something carefree :) :) It was pretty packed but we managed to see some of the highlights and stroll Ethan around for a little while. The usual tourists crowded the pathways as we strolled, watching the rock climbers reach the top of the boulders. Jeremiah's highlight was hearing the tourists talk about rock climbing, when they didn't know what they were talking about, but pretended that they did :) (Being an avid climber, he gets pretty particular :)

Ethan had a pretty good time, I think. I think he would have had an even better time if he was able to actually crawl and get into everything. He got some clay on his khakis, so he was automatically initiated into hiking. We sure can't wait to live in Colorado again, someday. By then, Ethan will be like his Daddy....a rock climbing, snowboarding fool =)

The beauty that is Colorado~Garden of the Gods

Rock Climbers

We finally got Ethan to stay still for one photo =)

Well, maybe two photos =)

We Are Moving....

2009-07-22T22:09:00.002-06:00

to Texas! Most of you already knew this, so it's not a big surprise. This past weekend I officially signed a contract for selling our home (which means that a family wants to buy it!) Praise the Lord for this incredible news! It hasn't really sunken through that we are leaving yet, although I've started tearing up already.

A lot of things have happened since moving to Colorado, some wonderful and joyous & some not so wonderful and awful, but through it all I have made some amazing people who will forever be a part of my life. For this, I am grateful.....I'm starting to tear up so I'm going to sign off for now. I will talk about each of these people and will post photos (beware!! :) in my next writings.

Although I need to write about one person right now...I dreamt about him last night, for the first time in a long time.....my Charlie. Like all dreams are, this one was just weird and confusing. I'm not sure why my subconscious brought him to the surface....maybe because his birthday just passed, his date of death is next month or the fact that we are moving. Regardless of the reason, I realized how much I miss his face, his smile, his ability to still make me weak in the knees. I know that a part of me is leaving him here & the other important part is taking him with me. You would think after almost 4 years of losing a spouse I still wouldn't hurt this bad. But the pain is always with me, more present some days than others. I'm not sure what's worse: knowing that he has been gone for almost 4 years or waking up this morning thinking that he was still alive but then realizing again, that he isn't. But I am thankful to God for granting me 4 1/2 wonderful years with him, the impression of Christ that he left to me, and the unbelievable chance to love him. And I'm thankful for the memories that will always be with me....thank you, Charlie. I miss and love you!

**Thank you for listening and letting me write about him. **

Uncle JB

2009-07-17T08:17:00.007-06:00

We had JB over for dinner last night. He is so special to us, as he was in our wedding, a terrific guy who loves the LORD AND is so awesome with kids, especially Ethan. He will make a great Dad someday. JB is available, so if you're interested let me know :) While JB was over, Ethan decided to hold onto Jeremiah's hand and take a few steps :) It's totally beginning.....I'm almost a mother of a TODDLER!

The Many Faces of Ethan

2009-07-08T12:31:00.004-06:00

I'm so in love with my son! I just can't describe or explain it~he is just so wonderful! He has been especially cute and nice this week AND so grown up. Ethan had become very independent and a very determined child. He just won't give up in order to get his way....oh, dear! He had become quiet the talker, and gets excited about what he is saying. His expressions are truly timeless! I totally adore this child! Even at times when he makes me upset, he can always seem to make me laugh :) So for your enjoyment and pleasure, here are just some of his expressions that I find charming, endearing AND hilarious!

After a nap~ the hair was quite a sight!

Ethan hysterically crying because we were taking the remote control away from him. Gee, he is totally a man!

He looks so grown up to me here!

Whatever, Mommy!

After eating carrots! BTW, puree carrots are awful to get out of clothes! Ethan even doused Jeremiah in carrots too. Needless to say, he was not happy :)

My beautiful blue eyed boy!

Be Still.

2009-07-02T16:42:00.004-06:00

I ponder this statement quite a bit because as a mommy of a very active child, being still is NOT in my vocabulary. Who has time to be still these days? The world is so fast paced....we've got to keep up with the times. There are cell phone calls to be made, emails and texts to respond to and of course, blogs to write. Not that I don't LOVE doing all of these things, it just sometimes feels like there isn't enough time in the day to enjoy it.

I'm getting back into my daily devotional book (I've been in a rut lately), Streams in the Desert, which I totally love. It's one of those devotion books that is pretty deep but I totally get so much out of. As soon I was "still", all the worries of this world were at my feet. I was "hearing" the voices and the responsibilities of, "You should be doing this, Mary-Anne", "Maybe you could call this person", and my favorite..."You should do more for your son and husband." By the time I was through sitting, I was even more exhausted than when I started. Oh, and I also have a Mary/Martha complex. I'm totally Martha and so desire to be Mary :) The next day, I began reading my devotion for that morning. Ethan was napping, I had TIME. I actually sat and was still. The voices were gone and for a few brief moments I felt as though I was in the presence of the Lord. I was right there with Him...it was awesome. I have felt like this before but not in a very long time.

About a year after Charlie died, I was right there. I was content with my life, I didn't have a husband or child to be concerned about and I was at the feet of the One who totally was my Comfort and Friend through the horrific event of my life. I relied on Him. I put Him first. It was such a precious time. Oh, I long for that time again, but am so grateful for where the Lord brought me. This moment in time, being a Mommy and a Wife, the two best roles I have ever been. I know I'm in a season of busyness. I know I can slowly be where I once was, I will get there again. As for now, I will let the Lord use me as His instrument, as Ethan's Mommy, as Jeremiah's wife, as a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

"Be Still, and Know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

A Mother's Thoughts....

2009-06-18T11:12:00.002-06:00

First, I would just like to say that I have written on here TWICE in the past couple of days...I'm trying to get better! Anyways, God has been so good to us lately (as He is always, although sometimes it's hard to see it!). In the past 3 weeks we've had tons of showings on the house~which is a huge blessing seeing as how we are moving in September (to Texas, if I haven't said!) and we NEED to sell our home. Kind of bittersweet, but I will write about that later:) The week has been unusually busy, probably because of the summer and there are TONS of military moving to this area. So, I got a little stressed on Tuesday....the realtor's wanted to come during Ethan's nap time and gave me an hour and a half window~no problem, right? Usually it wouldn't have been, however they came 10 minutes past the alloted time. Ethan was way overdue for his nap, and if you know my child he needs his naps...AND I need a break! On top of this, our house has to look PERFECT everyday just incase there is a showing. Anyone with a newborn, infant and/or toddler knows that a house can never always be clean. We are so busy with our children that if we get the dishes clean and bottles washed we are having a good day. Seriously! I might be a little dramatic right now but it was just event after event leading up to my total meltdown of CRYING! I haven't cried in quite a while...but the stress was getting to me. It was like I had to meet everyone's needs but my own, and if they weren't happy....I had to hear about it! On top of that, Ethan was being fussy and throwing tantrums left and right...apparently, I wasn't meeting his needs :( Finally the husband came home and I had some time away from my son ( I won't lie~every Mom needs that now and again~and it was good). Jeremiah began to tickle him and and throw him up in the air (things only Daddy's are good for :). Ethan's laugh filled the house and just like that I was whole again. It's amazing how your child's laugh or giggle can make the biggest of messes seem so very small. Things were put into perspective and I realized "that this to, shall pass." Our house won't be on the market forever and then we can be as messy as we want :) I soon realized why God put me on the earth and placed me in this exact stage in my life~ to love and be loved. The gift of being a wife is special indeed, but the gift of motherhood stirs my heart and has/is still transforming me into the woman that God designed for me to be.

My two reasons for living!

His laugh and smile just melts my heart!

Shannon's Big Day!!!

2009-06-16T10:43:00.007-06:00

Life has been very crazy and wonderful for the Kline family over the past two years. First, Jeremiah and I tied the knot, then came Ethan (not even a year later :), Haley married her hunny, Andy in March (who are going to be parents in January!!) and now it was Shannon's turn to say "I Do" to her sweetheart Jesse! I'm reminded that God is so good and gracious. No matter how long you've known someone, if you are joined together by the Lord, it's never too fast! It has also been proven that the Carlson/Klines are very fertile! So, we tend to get pregnant rather quickly!

On to the details~ we had a fabulous time with family this weekend. Shannon and Jesse were married on his/their front lawn, rolling hills, beautiful willow trees and a 1800 yearold home in the distance~ which will be there home. It was Jesse's grandfather's home...it's amazing! I totally felt like I was in a movie, and could totally be seen necking with my beau, like in an old southern movie. The colors streamed of pinks, greens, golds and browns, mason jars holding candles were hidden in the trees, each area was covered with a detail that you knew Shannon was a part of :)

The ceremony was so special, like all wedding ceremonies are special. Gene Purcell (the same pastor who married Jeremiah and I) officiated. It was so wonderful to see him (we bonded over my wedding-he lost his wife to cancer and of course I lost my Charlie too, it was sweet that we could talk about those things) and his WIFE! How wonderful! Finding love again is a true treasure and it was such a gift to talk Gene about it!

Shannon looked just radiant and you could totally tell by Jesse's expression that he was just taken away by her. It was so sweet. What was even cooler was that they had never shared a kiss together. Their first kiss would be as husband and wife :) How neat is that?! Ethan did great as one of the ringbearers. He, Paxton and Mara were pulled down the aisle by none other than a Radio Flyer wagon. They totally stole the show! Of course all Ethan wanted to do was bite on the side of the wagon-poor guy, he was teething pretty badly!

The whole weekend was a fairytale! Shannon and Jesse did a fabulous job planning and creating their dream wedding! We love you two so much! Now, on to pictures! Enjoy!

Here comes Ethan! He loved crawling in the grass!

Us!

Our Family!

Ethan and Aunt Shannon, before the ceremony!

Doesn't this totally look like a Pottery Barn Kids or Gap ad?!

Ethan had his own cupcake!

Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Labenz!!

Before the Big Kiss~ he's giving her the look of love :P

The Carlson baby cousins! (and 3 are on the way!)

The Kline Family at the Rehearsal! (in front of Jesse's home!)

The Fingerprints of God

2009-05-10T19:55:00.005-06:00

This was the topic of our sermon at Veteran's Chapel this morning. I thought this was a very appropriate title for the sermon considering it was Mother's Day. You see the chaplain talked about the compassion and love that Christ has for each of us , as we are his children. Christ is shown through Moms for their nurturing, compassionate and loving hearts. When we have a broken heart, who do we run to? When someone on the play ground has hurt our feelings, who do we run to? And when the one person you love the most in this world has been killed, who do you run to? God and Mom. I remember vividly the night in which I finally cried and crumbled into my mom's arms and lap after Charlie was killed. I was literally in her lap crying, just like I had done when I was a little girl. It's hard to imagine us climbing into God's lap and crying because we are hurt or upset, but He wants that from us. He loves us more than our Moms do!

Being a Mom is the most exciting, scary, frustrating, and awesome experience I have ever had. I'm sure all you Moms out there can atest to that! I find it a privilege that Christ has found favor in me to be Ethan's Mommy. God's fingerprints are all over us! How can they not be?! I just think about how much I love and adore Ethan. Well, guess what? God loves Ethan more than I do or can. How incredible!

Our day was spent going to church (and if you live in Colorado Springs or on Fort Carson and haven't been to Veteran's Chapel lately...you need to go! The service is awesome and has changed a lot! ), ate a delicious lunch at my favorite restaurant P. F. Changs (despite the long wait it was still yummy!) then back home to enjoy the rest of the day, which was spent vegging on the sofa watching Harry Potter. Here are just a few pictures of our special day!

Daddy and Ethan

Ethan and Mommy at P.F. Changs

Ethan, showing off his new teeth

My Beautiful flowers

Hang Ten, Dude!

2009-04-07T20:44:00.008-06:00

So, I must appologize to my readers (I'm not sure how many I have, but I know you're out there!) for being gone from blogging for so long. The Kline Family has been traveling, as usual. Our adventures began when we flew down to Florida for Kelly and Chris's Wedding, then the following weekend we were in Nebraska for Haley (Jeremiah's Sister) and Andy's Wedding, then we DROVE, yes DROVE to Florida. But I'm sure i

t comes as no surprise, since I have a record for making the long trek on wheels! We had an AWESOME time visiting my parents, my brother and sister, and lots of friends!

Ethan had lots of firsts here in sunny Florida, but the most fun and memorable was taking him to the beach! He was fulling equipped with his blue trunks, rash guard, sunglasses, and shovel and pail. I wasn't sure how he would do, but he was a champ! No crying...just in awe of the ocean waves and of course the seagulls.

Ethan loved the waves but the water was so cold he kept shivering!

Sitting, Crawling and Standing.....Oh, my!

2009-02-25T07:59:00.004-07:00

We've had some quite exciting times since Jeremiah has been home. It seems like Ethan just waited for his Daddy to get home to start really doing things! He began to crawl on all fours right away! I don't know when he decided to sit up on his own because all of a sudden he was doing it. But last week, my baby boy was not quite the baby anymore...I found him in his crib standing up! How did he learn to pull himself up!?! As exciting and as a big step as it was, part of my heart just sank, remembering the moments when Ethan was just a newborn. The more and more he is mobile, the less he needs me (in that area, anyway!) But since then he has pulled himself up on many other objects, like the chair, the coffee table and even his toy box.....and it's been really fun to watch him. Although I think his purpose for pulling himself up on the coffee table is to put his mouth on the edge and teethe on it! On a side note, we went to the Dr. for his 6 month check-up last week. Ethan is now 16.4 lbs and 26.5 inches long!

On the Road Again....

2009-02-24T08:32:00.004-07:00

to NEBRASKA! We finally had a weekend to visit Jeremiah's family in Nebraska. Jeremiah loves to "road" trip but quickly realized that traveling with an infant is much, much different than before. Ethan was wonderful until the last 2 hour, crying with a mixture of his infamous "cat" cry and his tired cry. These two combos are not good! Between teething and being much more mobile, he didn't quite like being confined to his car seat. But we trucked on through, while Ethan finally fell asleep :) :)

The weekend was so relaxing, just what we needed! I realized when we arrived to Jeremiah's parent's home that Jeremiah and I hadn't been there as a "married" couple before...what a thrill! We got to sleep in the same room this time!! It was extra meaningful as this was our first time as a family and Jeremiah's first time back to his hometown in 1 1/2 years. We had delicious meals, wonderful conversations and saw lots of family!

I think the most meaningful time was on Sunday, when both Grandma's (Great-Grandma's to Ethan) came over for ice cream and brownies! To see 2 sets of 2 generations in the same room was just so precious and priceless. It was a little sad for me since both sets of my grandparents are with the Lord. I wish they could have known Ethan and loved on him, they would just be in awe of him. I am thankful for Grandma Carlson and Grandma Kline, that they could see Ethan, hold and love on him. I will post some precious (I keep using this word, but I guarantee you this is the ONLY word that described that time!) photos of this weekend when I've got more time. To make it even more special, Feb.22, Sunday is a very special and emotional day for the Carlson family. Jeremiah's grandfather (Grandma Carlson's husband) had passed away 5 years ago. Just being together on that day was quite special! ( On a side note, Jailyn, a cousin of Jeremiah's, gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday!) New Life!! God truly works and is and cares about every detail of our lives, even the day we are born.

And the Beat goes On....

2009-02-21T21:46:00.002-07:00

Hello World, and of course our faithful readers! We have decided to keep up with the times and blog! I (Mary-Anne) have written before, but now I'm back with two additions in my life....my wonderful husband, Jeremiah and precious (not to mention adorable) son Ethan! Our first blog as a family will be short, considering the hour of day, not to mention we have an infant and get limited sleep as it is! I personally have missed writing. It was/is an outlet for me to get my feelings and thoughts across about the joys and sorrows of my life. But I'm (We're) back!

The new adventure in our life has been welcoming Jeremiah back HOME to the US and as a husband and father! I can not begin to tell you what a joy it has been to have Jeremiah back. When Jeremiah left, December 3, 2007 my trust in the Lord was tested to the max, seeing as how Charlie didn't make it back home to me. I began to face the reality of being a single mom. The thoughts of losing another husband grew and grew. The ONLY thing that got me through was friends who cared enough to be there for me and all those that prayed for me, Jeremiah and then Ethan. At the end of the day, I realized that the LORD has marvelous plans in store for me. It took a beautiful tragedy in my life to make me realize the depth of my Father's love for me. He then gave me Jeremiah, and then Ethan. Hallelujah!

Ok, so this post was a little "out there" but it won't always be as serious as this. But then again, sometimes it will. Just as our life is......sometimes serious, but sometimes it's snorts and giggles.