I'm baaaaack!

Hello.....!!

Wow. I must say it seems rather surreal to be writing again. It's been on my heart for months but since Jensen's birth (oh, yeah, I had another bambino!) it's been really difficult & I find it hard to get my groove thang back. Never fear, it's coming :)

If you're looking for lessons with your cooking, sewing, diy home repairs & pinterest-y recipes & crafting, you've come to the wrong place. Although I'm sure I will share one of these things from time to time, but don't count on it-ha! No, this is just for me. For my feelings of love, silly-ness, grief, being a Mommy of 3, insecurities, mourning & joyfulness. 

Being a Mom is one of the most joyful accomplishments & the most exhausting of gifts that I've been given. You must take care of tiny humans & keep them alive. Talk about responsibility. I remember expressing my insecure & scared heart to my soldier the night before he was to leave for Iraq. E was 5 days old & I was his only source of food. When you're a new mom, that can be very overwhelming. Fast forward 5 years later, Ethan is awesome & loves trains, planes & automobiles (seriously!), Andrea is 3 & loves to dance, & Jensen is 7 months old, is the sweetest baby & his smile just lights up a room. Well, all my kids' smiles light up a room. But I'm a little bias. I look at them & can't believe that they're mine. They are my greatest invention.

Here are my crazies! This was taken in October for our Christmas card. So for those getting them, SURPRISE! :) And yes, it's hard to have 3 little ones looking straight at the camera, enter Andrea's head turn & looking off to the side :) But she looks dainty & lovely! And oh, so just loves wearing dresses :)

Grief. Oh, how I loathe you so. I've blogged & blogged about my beloved Charlie (& will still continue too!) I started to write about my brother, Andy before. But words just won't come. They can't. I'm still in total utter disbelief that he is gone & I've yet to begin the mourning process (at least that's how I feel in my heart.) I feel like I need weeks & months to just cry, just to touch the surface of what I feel. Tomorrow marks 4 years since Andy died. Andy died. I can barely write the words. He was my precious baby brother & he's not here to enjoy life. He can't enjoy another McDonalds coke or celebrate another birthday or Christmas. We can't love on him & my children will never know the depth of his awesome bear hugs or tosses up in the air. But my heart skipped a beat earlier today. I recently put out a picture of Andy (probably in his early 2o's) It was one of those Olan Mills church directory pictures. He absolutely hated that picture because of his short hair. So what does a big sister do? She frames it & puts it on display for all to see :) Yep, I love him! Well, today Ethan saw it, points & says, "Mom, I know who that is. That's Uncle Andy." He didn't skip a beat & my heart just froze. So, in the grand scheme of things, I'm obviously doing something right in teaching my kids all about their AWESOME Uncle Andy. 

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm in disbelief. Those are my feelings tonight, the eve before my baby brother's 4th anniversary of his death. And that's ok, because they are my feelings. I love Jesus. I love God. Those facts will stand firm. But I don't understand. I don't know what God has up His sleeve. I don't know the reasoning of why he didn't save Andy. If God can raise Lazarus from the dead, he could Andy too, right?! In this weeks Sunday Sermon this verse was mentioned, "For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." This verse gives me chills. Knowing that my brother will be one of the first to rise when Jesus returns. Wow. Just wow. 

I will leave you with a few pictures of my Broski. You, Andy, are remembered each day that my Ethan smiles that mischievous smile, that I say my daughter's name & when I snuggle with Jensen. My childhood heart smiles at all the memories we made. My adult heart hurts for all the 'could have been' moments & life changing events. Because you laughed so much & loved life, tomorrow I will purposefully choose to smile. To be happy because that would truly honor your memory & legacy. 

Andy meets Ethan for the 1st time

Ringing in 2007 in Colorado Springs

 My 2nd favorite picture 

Andy liked snow. That's an understatement :)

The day I got a baby brother & became a big sister

Andy & my Charlie at our rehearsal dinner. 10 years ago, this month. 

(Now that is hard to believe!)

Through thick and thin. I hope Ethan, Andrea & Jensen form a bond as close as this!

St. Patty's Day Shenanigans~2007

Andy's college graduation lunch at Maggiano's 

Andy's wedding day

more shenanigans.... :)

Summer of 1997 with Grandma Algren

(she was simply the best. Better than all the rest.)

Andy's 27th & last birthday celebration here on earth at Little Munich.

There are no words. There will never be enough words. I love you, Bubbie.

Six Years of Thank You's.

It doesn't begin to seem possible that six years of my life has passed since that awful Monday. I can't even believe that I can function as a person in this world that Charlie is not a part of any more. I love that our bodies have a system to process such news, because if we didn't, not to mention My Creator, I would have withered up and died (not physically, but mentally and emotionally.) It's so easy for me to look back and remember the horrible times, where I thought that God was absent, that He didn't save Charlie (because He could have), that He didn't save Andy (but that's for a another blog), that life was hard and I couldn't see past the day in front of me to know what my future would even be like.

To be honest I don't remember a lot of things surrounding the first few months of my Charlie's death, but I do remember this......my friends, family and people I didn't even know or had ever met doing what they didn't know how to do (but we learned together!) praying for me, grieving with me the loss of my beloved Charlie. I remember the gifts, flowers, food, and new friendships. I remember how blessed I was to have these beautiful girlfriends with me (who happened to all be home at the same time that I needed them) I remember God's perfection, the situation was anything but perfection but if it were to happen to me, I had the best of everything surrounding me at a time where, in all reality, I thought my life was over. I remember being able to cry easily.....now it's not enough and harder. I remember the sadness of my parents and Andy, never getting to know Charlie more. I remember the look in my mom's eyes when she figured out that she was powerless to kiss and heal the boo-boo that "life" brought to me. I remember the quiver in Andy's voice when he couldn't protect me, as a brother should(although I'm so overjoyed that Andy was the last person, besides me to see Charlie alive before he left-what a very special trip that was.) I remember the overflow of people in the church, crying, speaking words, remembering their Hero.  I remember leaving my home at Fort Carson, without Charlie. I remember meeting my first & forever "W" friend Milly. I remember the feeling of saying that "w" word in public.  And recently, I remembered that I'm not the only one that lost a Hero that day......a wife lost her husband, a mother and father lost their son, 2 brothers lost their brother, a niece lost her Uncle and a community of friends, college buddies, ROTC cadets and family lost a Hero, a friend. I remember that I'm not the only one grieving. I remember that I'm not the only one remembering Charlie, and that makes me grateful. That his life, although brief on this earth was full. Full of laughter and fun. Of faith and joy. Of love and dreams. Oh, and we had many dreams. And I remember that I was the lucky one who caught his eye to share it.

So, thank you.....six years of thank you's to all of you for showing me God's love in the midst of the chaos of uncertainty. You all were there....pulling for me, wanting the best for me, pushing me, silently praying for me and crying with me. For these things, I am forever grateful. I am blessed. Maybe not in the way that one might think of being blessed, but I am, none the less. I will never "get over" this catastrophic loss but I have learned to maintain my life with a scar that will never go away.

Thank you, Jesus, my Savior. Thank you, my friends. I'm indebted to both for all my life.


"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:11-13

Blessings

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace. Comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our sufferings. 

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way to much to give us lesser things....."

Almost 10 months ago, this beautiful baby girl came into our lives on a date that was hard for my family & given a name after her Uncle. It amazes me that out of something so tragic that Christ can create new life. Life should carry on, even when we find it hard or don't want it to. The above song, "Blessings" was sang yesterday at Andie's baptism. I was unaware that this song was going to be sung, but found it very perfect for the occasion. This song has been in my head the past couple of months, thinking about Andy & what we (my parent's, myself and Shannon) are feeling and going through. I felt like a part of Andy was indeed there, as this was another first for our family~a celebration of welcoming our daughter into the body of Christ without Andy & remembering Ethan's baptism, when Andy was there & alive and well. It was a good day. Thank you, Father for granting us the privilege of being Andie and Ethan's parents. 

 Sweet, sweet child of mine.

 My mom baptized Andie. She did a remarkable job. As usual.

Ethan remembering his baptism.

My mom is just awesome. I love that she cries when something touches her heart.

The dress that Andie is wearing was mine, made by my Mom. 

My 1st Father-in-law, Charlie was there to celebrate with us. It was a joy to have him there-the kids love their Grandpa Rubado. He looks so happy.....it must be those 3 granddaughters of his.

Giving her some puffs to make her not so crabby!

Our family.

Maw-Maw & Paw Daddy (names given by Ethan, of course!)

Three generations.

Great to celebrate Andie with great friends.

Sweet, Andie Girl. You make my heart skip a beat. 

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe....."

My Heritage.

Before I write some thoughts I have down, I want to apologize for not writing in almost two months. It's a shame, really-because I do have time but have no motivation and I know once this Baby Girl comes I will have less time, so I will most definitely try (even if it's a few lines or just photos!) to update you on what's going on with the Kline's! 

Ok. Here it goes. I've kept lots of things inside of me for the past, almost 10 months. A lot has happened in the last 10 months, mostly awful, but a few joyous. This week should be a very exciting and happy week~the week that my daughter is to be born (if she isn't stubborn like her brother =) And really, I'm not as excited as I should be and that hurts my heart. For one, Jeremiah won't be here for the birth, which is ok because he will get to spend all 14 days with all of us at Christmas, he almost missed Ethan's birth and I will be able to look presentable to my husband-and ladies we all know what I mean, right?! But that really isn't the big issue. The big issue is that as we will be welcoming a new member into our family, we also lost a member of our family 10 months ago, who should be here, rejoicing with us over this new arrival. My Daughter will never know her amazing Uncle, who would have been (and I know that he knows!) so excited to know that he was getting a niece. I've realized for the past few weeks that I haven't even begun to grieve for Andy, in any shape or form. I've cried, heard songs on KLOVE that remind me of him and have cried over those, and yes it helps, but I haven't seen a counselor or actually talked through my feelings of loss for my little brother. I told my Mom the other night that, "I don't have the time to grieve for him yet." I guess I feel like I need to set aside 2 weeks of crying to starting my grieving process, but with almost 2 kids, that is not reality. 

The other night as I was filling out Baby Girl's family tree section of her baby book, I came across the section, "Mother's Brothers." I just filled in Andy's name like it was nothing. It took me a few moments to realize that he would not be here to meet her. He would not be calling the hospital, like he did when Ethan was born, talking to me. He would not be updating his facebook status, telling the world that he was a proud Uncle, again. 

With Charlie it seemed easy to grieve. I'm not really sure why and really the word "easy" isn't the right word at all-grieving takes work, is emotional draining, and physically exhausting. And I think for me, I don't want to think about Andy not being on this earth. It's "easier" to "pretend" that he is alive, living with Shannon and they are as happy as can be. At times I have arguments with God, I used to feel pretty guilty that I was even mad with God. But as a very wise Chaplain told me, "God already knows what you are thinking, and He can take it!" I'm reminded that Jesus grieved and wept for his friend Lazarus. So, Jesus knows what the human heart feels like when we experience deaths in our family and friends. But it's so hard to wonder God's perfect plan in all this when many wonderful Christians, who could have done wonderous things on this earth to further His kingdom die. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg for me in letting these feelings out. I know it was pretty deep, but thank you for listening and if the LORD leads you to pray for me, our family, and Andy's wife Shannon, we would appreciate it. 

The day of Baby Girl's birth will be wonderful, no doubt about that, and as I'm typing this I'm getting very excited about meeting her. God has already picked out her Birth Day, and maybe even Andy knows. I know that Andy will be rejoicing up there, but I do so desperately want him to be rejoicing with us down here.