Monday, December 2, 2013

I'm baaaaack!


Wow. I must say it seems rather surreal to be writing again. It's been on my heart for months but since Jensen's birth (oh, yeah, I had another bambino!) it's been really difficult & I find it hard to get my groove thang back. Never fear, it's coming :)

If you're looking for lessons with your cooking, sewing, diy home repairs & pinterest-y recipes & crafting, you've come to the wrong place. Although I'm sure I will share one of these things from time to time, but don't count on it-ha! No, this is just for me. For my feelings of love, silly-ness, grief, being a Mommy of 3, insecurities, mourning & joyfulness. 

Being a Mom is one of the most joyful accomplishments & the most exhausting of gifts that I've been given. You must take care of tiny humans & keep them alive. Talk about responsibility. I remember expressing my insecure & scared heart to my soldier the night before he was to leave for Iraq. E was 5 days old & I was his only source of food. When you're a new mom, that can be very overwhelming. Fast forward 5 years later, Ethan is awesome & loves trains, planes & automobiles (seriously!), Andrea is 3 & loves to dance, & Jensen is 7 months old, is the sweetest baby & his smile just lights up a room. Well, all my kids' smiles light up a room. But I'm a little bias. I look at them & can't believe that they're mine. They are my greatest invention.

Here are my crazies! This was taken in October for our Christmas card. So for those getting them, SURPRISE! :) And yes, it's hard to have 3 little ones looking straight at the camera, enter Andrea's head turn & looking off to the side :) But she looks dainty & lovely! And oh, so just loves wearing dresses :)

Grief. Oh, how I loathe you so. I've blogged & blogged about my beloved Charlie (& will still continue too!) I started to write about my brother, Andy before. But words just won't come. They can't. I'm still in total utter disbelief that he is gone & I've yet to begin the mourning process (at least that's how I feel in my heart.) I feel like I need weeks & months to just cry, just to touch the surface of what I feel. Tomorrow marks 4 years since Andy died. Andy died. I can barely write the words. He was my precious baby brother & he's not here to enjoy life. He can't enjoy another McDonalds coke or celebrate another birthday or Christmas. We can't love on him & my children will never know the depth of his awesome bear hugs or tosses up in the air. But my heart skipped a beat earlier today. I recently put out a picture of Andy (probably in his early 2o's) It was one of those Olan Mills church directory pictures. He absolutely hated that picture because of his short hair. So what does a big sister do? She frames it & puts it on display for all to see :) Yep, I love him! Well, today Ethan saw it, points & says, "Mom, I know who that is. That's Uncle Andy." He didn't skip a beat & my heart just froze. So, in the grand scheme of things, I'm obviously doing something right in teaching my kids all about their AWESOME Uncle Andy. 

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm in disbelief. Those are my feelings tonight, the eve before my baby brother's 4th anniversary of his death. And that's ok, because they are my feelings. I love Jesus. I love God. Those facts will stand firm. But I don't understand. I don't know what God has up His sleeve. I don't know the reasoning of why he didn't save Andy. If God can raise Lazarus from the dead, he could Andy too, right?! In this weeks Sunday Sermon this verse was mentioned, "For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." This verse gives me chills. Knowing that my brother will be one of the first to rise when Jesus returns. Wow. Just wow. 

I will leave you with a few pictures of my Broski. You, Andy, are remembered each day that my Ethan smiles that mischievous smile, that I say my daughter's name & when I snuggle with Jensen. My childhood heart smiles at all the memories we made. My adult heart hurts for all the 'could have been' moments & life changing events. Because you laughed so much & loved life, tomorrow I will purposefully choose to smile. To be happy because that would truly honor your memory & legacy. 

Andy meets Ethan for the 1st time

Ringing in 2007 in Colorado Springs

 My 2nd favorite picture 
Andy liked snow. That's an understatement :)

The day I got a baby brother & became a big sister

Andy & my Charlie at our rehearsal dinner. 10 years ago, this month. 
(Now that is hard to believe!)

Through thick and thin. I hope Ethan, Andrea & Jensen form a bond as close as this!

St. Patty's Day Shenanigans~2007

Andy's college graduation lunch at Maggiano's 

Andy's wedding day

more shenanigans.... :)

Summer of 1997 with Grandma Algren
(she was simply the best. Better than all the rest.)

Andy's 27th & last birthday celebration here on earth at Little Munich.

There are no words. There will never be enough words. I love you, Bubbie.

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