3 months down, FOREVER to go.

(I meant to write something on March 3rd but the week got away from me.)

It seems like it's been forever since I last spoke to my brother. This past week was 3 months/13 weeks since he first saw the glory of Heaven and our Maker, face to face. At times I get so excited about something that I just have to tell him. For a brief moment everything is fine, and calm, just like it was on December 2nd. Then the pain of knowing Andy is not here will come flooding back, and I realize once again I will never get to hug him again or call him for the heck of it, in this life. And the grief sets in.....again.

How did this happen to Andy? Why did this happen to Andy? Am I supposed to get used to this? How in the world am I, my parents and Shannon supposed to go on? These questions have been rolling around in my head since December. Sometimes I feel like my grief is easy-oh, we will see Andy again in Heaven, He is with Jesus, We should be rejoicing. Really? Rejoicing? I'm sorry but I don't feel much like rejoicing that Andy is gone. And then sometimes grief rears its VERY ugly head and wreaks havoc in everything-Andy is really gone. He won't ever get to have a McDonald's coke again (I know it's silly but Andy LOVED McDonald's coke-and I remember actually saying this too), He will never get to be a father. How is that fair? Grief and losing someone you love way too young is just not fair, it just isn't.

Between losing Charlie and now Andy, I consider myself an expert on grief, unfortunately. The one thing I do know is that I will be longing for Charlie and Andy until I see them again. I often compare losing Charlie to losing Andy. And just like my relationship to each of them is/was different, my grief is different for both of them. My feelings for Charlie have been really transparent the past 4 1/2 years. But my grief for Andy is different. It's hard to describe. Andy is/was my brother. There is a longer history there, almost 28 years. Andy was not only my brother, but my best friend. We would get into trouble together, be each other's worst enemies, and then be each other's confidant. No one can every replace him. I will never have an earthly brother again. I'm am now an only child, physically, to my parents. I will miss never being an Aunt to his children, I will miss him never knowing or holding this child I'm carrying, I will miss him not physically being a part of Ethan's life, I will miss never celebrating any birthday or holiday with him. I will miss not knowing him more as an adult. I will miss my brother. forever.

We were so blessed to share in his last birthday on earth.

March 30, 2009