It doesn't begin to seem possible that six years of my life has passed since that awful Monday. I can't even believe that I can function as a person in this world that Charlie is not a part of any more. I love that our bodies have a system to process such news, because if we didn't, not to mention My Creator, I would have withered up and died (not physically, but mentally and emotionally.) It's so easy for me to look back and remember the horrible times, where I thought that God was absent, that He didn't save Charlie (because He could have), that He didn't save Andy (but that's for a another blog), that life was hard and I couldn't see past the day in front of me to know what my future would even be like.
To be honest I don't remember a lot of things surrounding the first few months of my Charlie's death, but I do remember this......my friends, family and people I didn't even know or had ever met doing what they didn't know how to do (but we learned together!) praying for me, grieving with me the loss of my beloved Charlie. I remember the gifts, flowers, food, and new friendships. I remember how blessed I was to have these beautiful girlfriends with me (who happened to all be home at the same time that I needed them) I remember God's perfection, the situation was anything but perfection but if it were to happen to me, I had the best of everything surrounding me at a time where, in all reality, I thought my life was over. I remember being able to cry easily.....now it's not enough and harder. I remember the sadness of my parents and Andy, never getting to know Charlie more. I remember the look in my mom's eyes when she figured out that she was powerless to kiss and heal the boo-boo that "life" brought to me. I remember the quiver in Andy's voice when he couldn't protect me, as a brother should(although I'm so overjoyed that Andy was the last person, besides me to see Charlie alive before he left-what a very special trip that was.) I remember the overflow of people in the church, crying, speaking words, remembering their Hero. I remember leaving my home at Fort Carson, without Charlie. I remember meeting my first & forever "W" friend Milly. I remember the feeling of saying that "w" word in public. And recently, I remembered that I'm not the only one that lost a Hero that day......a wife lost her husband, a mother and father lost their son, 2 brothers lost their brother, a niece lost her Uncle and a community of friends, college buddies, ROTC cadets and family lost a Hero, a friend. I remember that I'm not the only one grieving. I remember that I'm not the only one remembering Charlie, and that makes me grateful. That his life, although brief on this earth was full. Full of laughter and fun. Of faith and joy. Of love and dreams. Oh, and we had many dreams. And I remember that I was the lucky one who caught his eye to share it.
So, thank you.....six years of thank you's to all of you for showing me God's love in the midst of the chaos of uncertainty. You all were there....pulling for me, wanting the best for me, pushing me, silently praying for me and crying with me. For these things, I am forever grateful. I am blessed. Maybe not in the way that one might think of being blessed, but I am, none the less. I will never "get over" this catastrophic loss but I have learned to maintain my life with a scar that will never go away.
Thank you, Jesus, my Savior. Thank you, my friends. I'm indebted to both for all my life.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:11-13
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