Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm an American.

I'm just trying to be a father,
Raise a daughter and a son,
Be a lover to their mother,
Everything to everyone.
Up and at 'em bright and early,
I'm all business in my suit,
Yeah, I'm dressed for success from my head down to my boots,
I don't do it for money, there's still bills that I can't pay,
I don't do it for the glory, I just do it anyway,
Providing for our future's my responsibility,
Yeah I'm real good under pressure, being all that I can be,
And I can't call in sick on Mondays when the weekends been to strong,
I just work straight through the holidays,
And sometimes all night long.
You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,
And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,
Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
But if dying's asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with an honor,
'Cause freedom don't come free.

I'm an American soldier, an American,
Beside my brothers and my sisters I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy I will always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, so sleep in peace tonight.
American soldier, I'm an American,
An American,
An American Soldier

Toby Keith, "American Soldier"

Thank You & In loving Memory:
Fenton Hollingsworth, Jr (my papa-dearly missed)
Frank Hollingsworth (my great uncle~KIA WWII)
Dale Algren (my uncle)
David Algren (my uncle-dearly missed)
Ed Blackstock (my uncle)

*not sure of ranks, that's why I didn't place them

THANK YOU for serving Jeremiah! You make me proud everyday and I am in awe of your commitment to your country and your family. I love you so much!

~Jeremiah in Iraq, January 2008~

CPT Steve Rubado, 2LT Charlie Rubado, 1 SG Charlie Rubado
on Charlie's commissioning day~ April 2004
Thank you Steve and "Big"Charlie! (above)

In loving memory of 2Lt Charlie Rubado
KIA August 29, 2005
~You are missed and loved~

Monday, November 9, 2009

A Widow's Thoughts.

I don't really know how to start this post but to just dive on into it. The recent events here at Fort Hood have been stirring in my mind and heart, bringing to the surface emotions that I've stuffed away for quite awhile. When you have children, you tend to take care of them and to not so much worry about yourself. I've heard many songs on our Christian radio station here that bring up lots of pain, lots of tears and lots of questions...still. Ones that I've heard when I lost Charlie, that are being played quite regularly since the shootings. Thoughts of losing yet another husband plaqued my mind while he was in Iraq, but now totally realizing it can happen at home brings back the fears.

I'm reminded of 1 John 4, that says "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.....There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." (Italics mine) But how can we not have fear, when bad things happen to good people and when they can occur at home? That is a question I have thought about for several years. That and "Why?" I don't have any answers on this matter. I very much worried about Jeremiah when he was deployed and I still worry about him now. Which is totally NOT how a Christian should be acting. So, when does the fear stop and the trust begin? I'm still learning that one, dear friends. Trust is another issue I had/have with my Savior. I say have because I daily put Jeremiah and Ethan in the hands of the Almighty...actually several times a day I do this. I don't know the plans God has for us, but He does and He promises that they are plans for a hope and a future and to never harm us. This is very much head knowledge, but I so desperately wish it was heart knowledge.

I still miss Charlie, everyday I miss him. I often think about the life we would have had, the children we might have had and the places God would have taken us. It's nice to think about him and talk about him too. My grieving comes and goes, but I do know this, I will always be grieving. It's not something I can just switch on and off (even though I would like it too!)
A book that was brought to my attention by my dear friend, Milly, "A Grace Disguised",written by a man who, in one accident lost his mother, wife and daughter, has brought much incite into my grieving heart.
"I remember counting the consecutive days in which I cried. Tears came for 40 days, and then they stopped, at least for a few days. I marveled at the genius of the ancient Hebrews, who set aside 40 days for mourning, as if 40 days were enough. I learned later how foolish I was. It was only after those 40 days that my mourning became too deep for tears. So my tears turned into brine, to a bitter and burning sensation of loss that tears could no longer express. In the months that followed I actually longed for the time when the sorry had been fresh and tears came easily. That emotional release would have lifted the burden, if only for awhile."

This is how I feel. I adore my Jeremiah and Ethan, but I'm still grieving the loss of a man, whom I loved. I just need to realize that it won't be wiped away with getting remarried and time passing. It's there. And always will be.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Carving and Costumes

The season is upon us! Time for carving those pumpkins, roasting some seeds and making pies. We began the Halloween festivities on Friday night with a little pumpkin carving. I must say I haven't carved one of these things in years, probably since I was a youngin (yes, I did say youngin~maybe the Texas draw is getting to me:) Anyways, we carved 3 pumpkins, one for each of us. It was awesome to see Ethan's expressions as he dipped his hands into the messy goo of strings and seeds. He kept rubbing his hands together after and would laugh. His new thing now is to clap after everything! So, after we carved each pumpkin he would clap :) Ethan didn't go trick or treating this year...he sacked out after running around the house with his costume on.

I love this age. He is so full of energy and has the best time learning (feeling new things, trying new things, etc). It's awesome to be able to pass down traditions that J and I did when we were kids.

Oh, the wonder....

The guests of honor!

Changing into the costume was a bit of a show, really. I wish someone had a camera on us to witness this event:) We finally got Ethan into his puppy costume, although he didn't like it much and tried to take the ears off. But, he is the cutest puppy I've ever seen! (and Indiana, too!)

All of our photos of him are action shots. He would not sit still long enough for us to take a photo of him! He is quite the busy little bee =)

About to watch, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" He must like Charlie Brown in this family (especially since his mommy has "Charlie Brown Christmas" memorized...sad, I know!), if not I might have to disown him. =) Just Kidding.....