I don't really know how to start this post but to just dive on into it. The recent events here at Fort Hood have been stirring in my mind and heart, bringing to the surface emotions that I've stuffed away for quite awhile. When you have children, you tend to take care of them and to not so much worry about yourself. I've heard many songs on our Christian radio station here that bring up lots of pain, lots of tears and lots of questions...still. Ones that I've heard when I lost Charlie, that are being played quite regularly since the shootings. Thoughts of losing yet another husband plaqued my mind while he was in Iraq, but now totally realizing it can happen at home brings back the fears.
I'm reminded of 1 John 4, that says "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.....There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." (Italics mine) But how can we not have fear, when bad things happen to good people and when they can occur at home? That is a question I have thought about for several years. That and "Why?" I don't have any answers on this matter. I very much worried about Jeremiah when he was deployed and I still worry about him now. Which is totally NOT how a Christian should be acting. So, when does the fear stop and the trust begin? I'm still learning that one, dear friends. Trust is another issue I had/have with my Savior. I say have because I daily put Jeremiah and Ethan in the hands of the Almighty...actually several times a day I do this. I don't know the plans God has for us, but He does and He promises that they are plans for a hope and a future and to never harm us. This is very much head knowledge, but I so desperately wish it was heart knowledge.
I still miss Charlie, everyday I miss him. I often think about the life we would have had, the children we might have had and the places God would have taken us. It's nice to think about him and talk about him too. My grieving comes and goes, but I do know this, I will always be grieving. It's not something I can just switch on and off (even though I would like it too!)
A book that was brought to my attention by my dear friend, Milly, "A Grace Disguised",written by a man who, in one accident lost his mother, wife and daughter, has brought much incite into my grieving heart.
"I remember counting the consecutive days in which I cried. Tears came for 40 days, and then they stopped, at least for a few days. I marveled at the genius of the ancient Hebrews, who set aside 40 days for mourning, as if 40 days were enough. I learned later how foolish I was. It was only after those 40 days that my mourning became too deep for tears. So my tears turned into brine, to a bitter and burning sensation of loss that tears could no longer express. In the months that followed I actually longed for the time when the sorry had been fresh and tears came easily. That emotional release would have lifted the burden, if only for awhile."
This is how I feel. I adore my Jeremiah and Ethan, but I'm still grieving the loss of a man, whom I loved. I just need to realize that it won't be wiped away with getting remarried and time passing. It's there. And always will be.