Ok. Here it goes. I've kept lots of things inside of me for the past, almost 10 months. A lot has happened in the last 10 months, mostly awful, but a few joyous. This week should be a very exciting and happy week~the week that my daughter is to be born (if she isn't stubborn like her brother =) And really, I'm not as excited as I should be and that hurts my heart. For one, Jeremiah won't be here for the birth, which is ok because he will get to spend all 14 days with all of us at Christmas, he almost missed Ethan's birth and I will be able to look presentable to my husband-and ladies we all know what I mean, right?! But that really isn't the big issue. The big issue is that as we will be welcoming a new member into our family, we also lost a member of our family 10 months ago, who should be here, rejoicing with us over this new arrival. My Daughter will never know her amazing Uncle, who would have been (and I know that he knows!) so excited to know that he was getting a niece. I've realized for the past few weeks that I haven't even begun to grieve for Andy, in any shape or form. I've cried, heard songs on KLOVE that remind me of him and have cried over those, and yes it helps, but I haven't seen a counselor or actually talked through my feelings of loss for my little brother. I told my Mom the other night that, "I don't have the time to grieve for him yet." I guess I feel like I need to set aside 2 weeks of crying to starting my grieving process, but with almost 2 kids, that is not reality.
The other night as I was filling out Baby Girl's family tree section of her baby book, I came across the section, "Mother's Brothers." I just filled in Andy's name like it was nothing. It took me a few moments to realize that he would not be here to meet her. He would not be calling the hospital, like he did when Ethan was born, talking to me. He would not be updating his facebook status, telling the world that he was a proud Uncle, again.
With Charlie it seemed easy to grieve. I'm not really sure why and really the word "easy" isn't the right word at all-grieving takes work, is emotional draining, and physically exhausting. And I think for me, I don't want to think about Andy not being on this earth. It's "easier" to "pretend" that he is alive, living with Shannon and they are as happy as can be. At times I have arguments with God, I used to feel pretty guilty that I was even mad with God. But as a very wise Chaplain told me, "God already knows what you are thinking, and He can take it!" I'm reminded that Jesus grieved and wept for his friend Lazarus. So, Jesus knows what the human heart feels like when we experience deaths in our family and friends. But it's so hard to wonder God's perfect plan in all this when many wonderful Christians, who could have done wonderous things on this earth to further His kingdom die.
This is just the tip of the iceberg for me in letting these feelings out. I know it was pretty deep, but thank you for listening and if the LORD leads you to pray for me, our family, and Andy's wife Shannon, we would appreciate it.
The day of Baby Girl's birth will be wonderful, no doubt about that, and as I'm typing this I'm getting very excited about meeting her. God has already picked out her Birth Day, and maybe even Andy knows. I know that Andy will be rejoicing up there, but I do so desperately want him to be rejoicing with us down here.